Rumspringa

[RegretfulLA]

Ok, this thread is about to get pretty interesting.

Just to cover off on the Gay BF topic,

It sounds like GBF was fired (you mentioned he was let go) and he lied about it. Likely him trying to save face. His reactions have nothing to do with you. Sudden firing is usually a disciplinary response, more than from a performance issue. Culpable vs non-culpable.

I heard from a friend that he was making inappropriate comments (in a joking way... but still wrong) and that's likely what happened - he was fired for sexual harassment. I did hear from him, but of course now he's gone and I won't see him again for a long time (if ever again, honestly).

But the real reason I am back tonight is that while I was cleaning up I found some notebooks of H's.

Not that any of this comes as a shock, but it seems that H was pretty deeply infatuated with a woman who worked for him at his old job (2017-2021). He really struggled with it and I believe THAT was the onset of the MLC. Around 2019 things between us were terrible but they got better during the pandemic. No idea of the real timing of any of this dalliance, but I will say now I really understand why he hated that job - because it was painful to be around this woman that he "loved". (I had no idea about this BTW)

Some highlights:
- Lots of thoughts about how attracted he was to her in every way - young, hot, beautiful, fun, so amazing, whatever
- They had a zoom meeting every day that he really looked forward to
- He was desperately infatuated with her, but it seems that a line was never crossed
- That he felt extremely jealous when she told him about her dates
- He was aware of the personal and professional risks
- He spent a lot of time contemplating why he couldn't be free to pursue this woman and then he chided himself about even thinking he had a chance with her. But he mentioned that it boosted his ego to spend time with this young wonderful woman "who made him so happy"
- He fancied that rejection turned him on - he "enjoyed the torture"
- He reflected on his shame and insecurity but he never did reflect on why he is that way.
- Acknowledged that his shame and insecurity affected our marriage.

(As an aside, the notebook was funny in ways - first of all, he has the worst handwriting of all time and I could barely read a lot of it, but second of all there would be these outpourings followed by run of the mill work stuff followed by more outpourings.)

There was not much mention of me in it... not surprising. I went through a very similar deep infatuation myself many years ago (except I was not the person's boss). H was the last thing I was thinking about. And, not for nothing, that guy also vanished and moved across the world though I knew that was coming and could at least get some closure.

But there was one mention of me. He said:
"I'm such a fool. A fool? For wanting to really connect in a loving way with a beautiful young woman... that's what life is about. Life is about chasing ephemeral ice cream when you have a sustainable healthy meal to eat? What if you just went for love with Regretful? So dangerous... is it that Regretful doesn't love me or is that I am wired to experience Regretful as not loving me? Am I wired to feel rejection?

Ugh, this is so sad. I feel really bad for him.

So that was notebook #1.

Notebook #2 - there wasn't much in it, but there was one passage where he's talking about some woman and her sharing her fantasies with him and it's definitely clear they were sleeping together - and this was obviously before he moved out because he left the notebook here. Even though when I directly questioned him, he denied cheating. So now he's cheating AND lying.

Now... how do I feel about this?

Numb.

Annoyed.

Annoyed that I have to probably get a D.

Feeling like he's a total lost cause.

Feeling extremely betrayed.

Feeling super sorry for him.

Not very surprised.

Angry.

Disappointed.

Shut out.

Disrespected.

Emotionally exhausted and bereft. Nothing left to feel.

Etc.

And, I have to see him tomorrow, he's helping me with something that I can't do by myself. I have no idea how to address any of this with him - if I should say anything or just keep these aces up my sleeve. Especially the cheating one. My thought is to hold onto this and not give my hand away just yet. Sorry for all the poker references.