Rumspringa

[mamabird]

Checking in. I feel like I've lost a bit of momentum over the last week or 2.

Life has calmed down a little bit. I haven't had as many plans and I haven't had that much to look forward to. Next on the list is going to visit S18 at college, and then Thanksgiving, which I'm excited about, though not sure if H will turn up or not.

I haven't really been talking to H, but I did have to call upon him to help me move some furniture from my office to my home. That's coming up later this week. He agreed to do it without hesitation. (He didn't take out the trash this week - oh well!) He texted me this morning - he is at a conference in Las Vegas and his start up company is a featured partner in the booth of a well-known large company. Unusual as normally he posts stuff like that in the family chat, but, ok. That was nice. He was clearly pretty excited about it.

Something sad happened in my life last week as well. I had recently been spending a lot of time with this gay man at work - I called him my Gay Boyfriend. We would eat lunch together, go to events together and even did a couple things on the weekends. It was a nice relationship and of course, no pressure or awkwardness because he's gay. I have actually known him a long time but we only became closer this year.

Anyway - one day last week I tried to instant message him through our work system and his name wasn't coming up, so I went down to his desk and it had been completely cleaned out. To say I was shocked was an understatement. I couldn't imagine that he had been fired, but quitting so abruptly also made no sense. On Thursday everything was fine, he was let go on Friday and I didn't find out until Tuesday. When I contacted him he was, I don't know, weird. And like, rushed, or something. Said he was having a lot of family drama and needed to go back home to his family (across the country). Didn't admit to being fired. Said he quit and that didn't sit right with me at all. Being lied to felt like a violation, but I think it was self protective. I could see right then that things between us had changed.

Well - I've been thinking about this a lot. Gay Boyfriend was a good term. He pumped me up, he told me I looked nice, he listened, he was supportive, he liked to go places, etc. And I didn't realize how attached I'd gotten. I was really using him as a surrogate for a real boyfriend at a time when I don't want an actual boyfriend. Now he's disappeared into thin air, so it FEELS like a rejection even though I know none of this has anything to do with me. I reached out to him today to see how his mom was doing (because he said she'd been in a car accident) and I got no reply. Hopefully that doesn't mean something terrible has happened, but I hope he's just licking his wounds and feels embarrassed.

I bring all of this up in such detail because I'm surprised at how deeply affected I was. It was all so abrupt and unexpected - like a death. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of the friendship. In fact one day I felt so sad that when I was texting H for some procedural item I asked him how he was doing. Felt the need to connect. He actually asked me how I was doing too. I don't know, maybe that opened something up. Honestly, I feel sadder about Gay BF than I did when H walked out. That says something. With H it was a slow slide but I have to say I never felt sad... I just felt angry and resentful.