Blindsided 2

[Kind18]

I know it doesnt matter now because its the past but i wonder where would i be at right now if we dint have that argument.

You’d be right where you are now.

It wasn’t about the Christmas cards. If you hadn’t ever mentioned the Christmas card, something else would have triggered that blow-up. Even if you had played it perfectly by DB rules, she would have engineered something to create that argument.

It’s not helpful to look back with “what ifs”. I used to do that… “what if five years ago, I hadn’t said this or that”

The answer is - I might still be married to a witch and wouldn’t have met someone a thousand times better! One day (whether you reconcile or not), you’ll actually be glad about the Christmas Card argument.

A fundamental concept here is that you didn’t break them, you can not fix them.

Do you have an EAP you can reach out to? They might be able to provide some help around your depressive episodes. Or even see your local doctor for a chat? Not sure where you are, but in Australia, your doctor can organise six free mental health consults with a psychologist paid for by the government.

Even just some simple sleep hygiene, some mindfulness and increasing your exercise regime can really help with episodic acute depression.

Good luck!

[aphexx13]

hello all, I've put dating to the back burner until i get my life back on track. I thought finding someone right away would fix my life but that was not the answer. I haven't dated since July and I've been focusing on starting my new career. I've completed my course in cyber security analyst and received my certificate from google. I've hit a roadblock I wasn't expecting. first I'm 52 and I have no experience in cyber security. 2nd there are a lot of people with a college degree and they are young coming out of college. I feel defeated and im not sure how to proceed to get a job in this field.



Also I thought I was fine about my divorce but this week I've sunk into a deep depression. the holidays are coming and it hit me that in 6 years this will be the first Christmas with just me and my daughter. my favorite holiday is Halloween followed by Christmas. I haven't even decorated for Halloween mainly because I live in a apartment and 2nd I don't have the cash to buy decorations. I am buying a Christmas tree and decorate as much as I can for Christmas for my daughter. My question is for those who have gone through divorce how did you get through the holidays? I just started seeing a therapist again because I got insurance and my therapy is free. I'm very depressed and feel like I'm running out of options to survive. I'm on disability but it doesn't cover my monthly bills. I've been living off my 401k and its in 6 months I will be out of money. I have enjoyed my time alone and i know my marriage was toxic so I don't miss my ex wife other then when she treated me good which wasn't often in the end but I miss having a family. I miss that life and it feels like that was my last chance. i don't even have a emergency contact. I feel so alone and lost. thanks for listening.

[DnJ]

Hello aph

I understand and empathize with the consuming depression and the feelings of utter despair. You will get through it. (((Hugs)))

I feel defeated and im not sure how to proceed to get a job in this field.

Do realize depression will drag your feelings around, darken them, make you feel defeated. Feelings are valid, however they are not facts.

Yes, finding and starting a new job/career is difficult. And at age 52, more so. Make a resume. Your education and work experience. Get it organized and listed. Illustrate your skill sets and knowledge base. Ensure you are prepared.

I’d consider seeking employment help with firms that specialize in that area. Job banks or recruiting firms should be able to match you with potential employers.

Looking for employment opportunities in technical circulations and publications may yield opportunities. Talking with peers within the tech realm might lead to useful intel of a company or business looking to hire as well.

My question is for those who have gone through divorce how did you get through the holidays?

By putting one foot in front of the other. You get through it, by getting through it. Act as if, as needed.

Cry and such as needed as well.

It’s a sad and dark ride. Yet there is a light. Know this. Hang on to that knowledge, for you won’t feel like it.

Depression, grief, takes as long as it takes. The clouds will part when they are meant to. And not one second earlier. Keep slogging your way.

Schedule those times to allow yourself to feel. Set a time limit. Then on to something else. The GAL stuff.

Holiday specific advice. Go easy on yourself. It’s ok to not have the decoration all top notch the first year or two. Gosh, my first Christmas compared to now. Ha, I’ve come a very far way!

The first Christmas, all first holidays and special days, is tough. The second go around, things are easier.

My first Christmas my daughter mostly decorated.

It was difficult finding and giving gifts when I felt so gutted. I mostly went on some kind of autopilot.

but I miss having a family. I miss that life and it feels like that was my last chance. i don't even have an emergency contact. I feel so alone and lost. thanks for listening.

I hear you man.

It’s a heck of a loss. One you find acceptance of.

Your definition of family will change. You and daughter. Family. Cherish the holiday together.

Believe me, it gets better. The life I live now, I could not imagine after BD and those first holiday times. Yet, here I am. And my life is great!

Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Do that inner work. Discover who you are. Why you are.

Categorize. Organize. You. Your values. Your tenets. Then, strengthen that which serves, craft that which you aspire to, and alter/discard that which does not or no longer serves. Become the best version of you.

All journeys are made of small steps. Many wee steps. Just keep taking them. Keep moving forward. It accumulates and compounds.

A few steps I’d suggest:

I just started seeing a therapist again because I got insurance and my therapy is free.

Good on seeing a therapist. Keep walking those steps.

I'm very depressed and feel like I'm running out of options to survive. I'm on disability but it doesn't cover my monthly bills. I've been living off my 401k and it’s in 6 months I will be out of money.

See a financial planner. To me it sounds like you might need to make an alteration to your accommodations. A planner can help you flesh out your financial picture and a sustainable budget.

This acquiring of knowledge regarding your finances will help alleviate your feelings. Either things are not as dire as you feel, or you are going to take rational action to head off disaster. Decision making and enacting based on and from the intellectual realm, is always helpful.

Hang in there.

D

[grok]

I've completed my course in cyber security analyst and received my certificate from google. I've hit a roadblock I wasn't expecting. first I'm 52 and I have no experience in cyber security. 2nd there are a lot of people with a college degree and they are young coming out of college. I feel defeated and im not sure how to proceed to get a job in this field.

I can speak to this some. For my company I was the task lead (for five years) of our team of 10+ providing engineering and technical expertise to a high-speed government office. I was responsible for hiring approvals. Because of need, we ended up with three cyber security personnel on our team.

We follow the qualifications listed by role if you look up: DoD Approved 8570 Baseline Certifications.

Don't feel defeated. You have life skills as much if not more important. The degrees and certs are qualifiers yes, but not the most important things. For me, in candidate evaluations: A cyber security certificate was just an entry qualifier. A degree was not required, but indicated some additional theoretical knowledge was likely. Neither one shows the person I was considering is actually competent at their job we are hiring for. Someone who is 52 will likely:

- know how to operate as part of my team,
- they will know how to get things done independently,
- they will be able to independently solve the cybersecurity process problems for me...reaching out to others as needed,
- they will know when to come to me to fix something and when to go out / independently learn on their own when they can do it themselves,
- they will be able to figure out how to pick up new knowledge when needed without me holding their hand,
- they know how to network laterally with their job peers and up/down as needed.

All these things are more important than certs. I could send almost anyone to get certs.

Start applying. Talk to how you can work on solving your team's and your boss's cyber security problems. That is what they care about. Not your certs or degrees.

i don't even have a emergency contact.

For me, it has been a very odd feeling as I have switched all my emergency contacts to D19.

g

[aphexx13]

Hello aph

I feel defeated and im not sure how to proceed to get a job in this field.

Do realize depression will drag your feelings around, darken them, make you feel defeated. Feelings are valid, however they are not facts.

so true. I say that all the time.

[aphexx13]

Hello aph
Yes, finding and starting a new job/career is difficult. And at age 52, more so. Make a resume. Your education and work experience. Get it organized and listed. Illustrate your skill sets and knowledge base. Ensure you are prepared.

I’d consider seeking employment help with firms that specialize in that area. Job banks or recruiting firms should be able to match you with potential employers.

Looking for employment opportunities in technical circulations and publications may yield opportunities. Talking with peers within the tech realm might lead to useful intel of a company or business looking to hire as well.

Good advice, I've taken most of those steps. I'm going to try using a recruiting firm and my states vocational rehab as well.

My question is for those who have gone through divorce how did you get through the holidays?

By putting one foot in front of the other. You get through it, by getting through it. Act as if, as needed.

Cry and such as needed as well.

It’s a sad and dark ride. Yet there is a light. Know this. Hang on to that knowledge, for you won’t feel like it.

Depression, grief, takes as long as it takes. The clouds will part when they are meant to. And not one second earlier. Keep slogging your way.

Schedule those times to allow yourself to feel. Set a time limit. Then on to something else. The GAL stuff.

Holiday specific advice. Go easy on yourself. It’s ok to not have the decoration all top notch the first year or two. Gosh, my first Christmas compared to now. Ha, I’ve come a very far way!

The first Christmas, all first holidays and special days, is tough. The second go around, things are easier.

My first Christmas my daughter mostly decorated.

It was difficult finding and giving gifts when I felt so gutted. I mostly went on some kind of autopilot.

I feel the same way right now.

but I miss having a family. I miss that life and it feels like that was my last chance. i don't even have an emergency contact. I feel so alone and lost. thanks for listening.

I hear you man.

It’s a heck of a loss. One you find acceptance of.

Your definition of family will change. You and daughter. Family. Cherish the holiday together.

Believe me, it gets better. The life I live now, I could not imagine after BD and those first holiday times. Yet, here I am. And my life is great!

thanks for the inspiration.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Do that inner work. Discover who you are. Why you are.

Categorize. Organize. You. Your values. Your tenets. Then, strengthen that which serves, craft that which you aspire to, and alter/discard that which does not or no longer serves. Become the best version of you.

All journeys are made of small steps. Many wee steps. Just keep taking them. Keep moving forward. It accumulates and compounds.

A few steps I’d suggest:

I just started seeing a therapist again because I got insurance and my therapy is free.

Good on seeing a therapist. Keep walking those steps.

I'm very depressed and feel like I'm running out of options to survive. I'm on disability but it doesn't cover my monthly bills. I've been living off my 401k and it’s in 6 months I will be out of money.

See a financial planner. To me it sounds like you might need to make an alteration to your accommodations. A planner can help you flesh out your financial picture and a sustainable budget.

This acquiring of knowledge regarding your finances will help alleviate your feelings. Either things are not as dire as you feel, or you are going to take rational action to head off disaster. Decision making and enacting based on and from the intellectual realm, is always helpful.

Hang in there.

D

Great advice! thank you for the advice and support.

[aphexx13]

I've completed my course in cyber security analyst and received my certificate from google. I've hit a roadblock I wasn't expecting. first I'm 52 and I have no experience in cyber security. 2nd there are a lot of people with a college degree and they are young coming out of college. I feel defeated and im not sure how to proceed to get a job in this field.

I can speak to this some. For my company I was the task lead (for five years) of our team of 10+ providing engineering and technical expertise to a high-speed government office. I was responsible for hiring approvals. Because of need, we ended up with three cyber security personnel on our team.

We follow the qualifications listed by role if you look up: DoD Approved 8570 Baseline Certifications.

Don't feel defeated. You have life skills as much if not more important. The degrees and certs are qualifiers yes, but not the most important things. For me, in candidate evaluations: A cyber security certificate was just an entry qualifier. A degree was not required, but indicated some additional theoretical knowledge was likely. Neither one shows the person I was considering is actually competent at their job we are hiring for. Someone who is 52 will likely:

- know how to operate as part of my team,
- they will know how to get things done independently,
- they will be able to independently solve the cybersecurity process problems for me...reaching out to others as needed,
- they will know when to come to me to fix something and when to go out / independently learn on their own when they can do it themselves,
- they will be able to figure out how to pick up new knowledge when needed without me holding their hand,
- they know how to network laterally with their job peers and up/down as needed.

All these things are more important than certs. I could send almost anyone to get certs.

Start applying. Talk to how you can work on solving your team's and your boss's cyber security problems. That is what they care about. Not your certs or degrees.

i don't even have a emergency contact.

For me, it has been a very odd feeling as I have switched all my emergency contacts to D19.

g

thanks for the advice and support I really appreciate it.