Grief and Gratitude, Grok - Shifting

[grok]

Wednesday:

Crunch time

I’m up for the 5am update which shows the storm staying on last nights course and strength. Hum….. Not consistent movement south like I wanted. We are still in the cone. I am tempted to modify my earlier judgement. Instead I follow wisdom from my work…don’t change or modify the calm and soberly considered standards you chose before. I will delay final judgement until the 11am update. We will still have until 2p until stormy winds and rain and another 3hrs after that until hazardous conditions. It would only be a local overnight to higher ground. I will wake the kids in a bit to make all the prep to go. We can always stand down if it turns better.

XW

7:15a message ”I would like to stay at the house if you will allow it. I don’t think my heart will handle being away from the kids for something this big.

At 7:30 I head out to give big dog his morning walk. It is cool and calm with half the neighbors gone. I see XW’s van parked at the end of the street a few houses down. So….she drove over and has been here for how long? I don’t know. For a moment I feel like ignoring her for now and taking the dog on his walk. I chide myself, "g, that’s kinda avoidant of you. Face your pain. Do what you choose…and in line with who you choose to be and your values.”.

I walk over to the driver side and see her slumped against the window with her face in her hands.

G, calmly and slowly with consideration, ”Hey….. Go in the house.”

XW jumps slightly, and opens the door…setting off the car alarm in a completely silent and still neighborhood. She scrambles to figure out how to turn it off. Eventually she figures out to push to right button on the key fob. ”Go ahead…*sigh*…you can laugh at me,” she said with resignation and good humor apparently. She goes into my home and I go on the dog walk.

Go prep

As kids wake I tell them to build their go bags. Unless the 11am comes though substantially better, we are going. I’ll decide then. Put enough together for an overnight. I start sealing the back door and garage door to give a couple more feet of protection should flooding occur. Kids don’t want to leave any animals…even inside on the second floor. D19’s rabbit can go to family friends who originally found him. Chickens can go to one of D19’s friends who has chickens.

XW

XW ~11, ”Hey, I’ll take the dogs in my van and find somewhere else to go, even just north. “

G, ”OK. That is fine with me.”. She can choose what she wants.

XW ~11:15 ”Hey, I have to know if we’re going because I have to leave earlier. Are we going?”

I have a bunch of thoughts at this sequence. But STFU smoothie
- You are an adult woman who can do what she pleases.
- What "we?"
- You can choose to leave anytime.
- You divorced me, for OM, yet:
- She is looking for me the man, head of household to lead. Make the decisions.
- OM is no where to be found.

G, thinking for a moment, ”We ARE leaving unless I get definitive better news. You are to go now. Head out. If we get better news I’ll let you know.”

XW looking a little settled at course of action defined for her, ”OK. Love you D19, D17, S12. Come on dogs.”

I hand her the bin with dog food, dog baggies, dog bowls. Off she goes.

Departure

I look at D19 who had been watching, ”You know any of you can go with her.”

D19, ”Are you nuts? Besides…. I don’t want us kids to be separated….at all.”

Oh. And in line with various kids statements several times over the last few weeks. Every time one of them has said the word “family” it meant the four of us. It seems the underlying current is us four are “family” and mom is just mom. I kind of expected this when they live 100% with me. Still not sure how I feel.

We load D17’s birds into my little truck and strap the chickens in the bed. We load D19’s bunny into her car. We load overnight stuffs. D19 and D17 take my truck to go drop off chickens. I take D19’s little car to drop off bunny. We’ll meet at L’s mom’s house in about an hour and a half. Driving rain. Roads empty. Not hazardous yet.

Overnight

I call L’s mom, a single older lady, to touch base and make sure all is well. I didn’t know her before this.

L’s Mom, ”You are welcome here. I have a couple of others staying over. Would you pick up one of them and his dog up in a while? And where is your W going if she isn’t coming here?”

G thinking…be without fear, be kind, ”I’ll be happy to pick him and his dog up. I’ll wait until D19 and D17 get there with the truck though. And … W is now XW. She left me last year for someone else. She left my home with our dogs earlier and I don’t know where she is going.”

L’s Mom, ”Oh…. That’s hard…. I understand… I experienced some of that when I was 14. Well, she’s a grown woman and makes her own choices. She can worry about where she is going.”

It was us four, a man and his dog+cat, and a woman that L’s mom worked with. It was a pleasant evening getting to know them and ended with the man and us four playing UNO … with special rules my kids play such as +2 and +4 cards are stackable!

L’s mom gave us the master bedroom with large bed. D19 and D17 decided they would sleep on the sides with S12 in the middle. They crashed out pretty quick after we quit UNO. I slept on one end of the couch with the man on the other end.

g