Thanks for stopping by G. It was nice to read your thoughts on my sitch. I find myself reading my thread several times before I fully digest and accept and finally move through recognition of my own accomplishments/thoughts. Completion of tasks feels good in the moment but then I shift to the next thing rather quickly. Thanks for the pat on the back.
I've learned that I've lived for others and not considered my wants/needs for some time. I've also learned that buying myself stuff doesn't provide much of a dopamine rush. It's just another shirt....blah blah. Never been materialistic. Don't need for much. Quite some time ago, I learned that happiness doesn't come from things. Money doesn't buy love. I shine most when doing for others and giving to others. Even, being with others. My joys remain in people, company, togetherness. Surrounded by people is how I enjoy life and what it has to offer. This is also why I feel such a void with H being gone. H was a big part of my circle.
Last night was the big event - H's nephew's event with much of his family.
Once at the event, I knew where we always would congregate and so I walked in that direction. When I looked left to scour the stands for H's family, H was looking at me and we made eye contact. I went to say hello and helped myself to the seat next to him. Once S showed up an hour in, I invited him to sit between us and S did. I'm hopeful H got some relief from that as I wasn't sure if my natural instinct to sit next to him was his preference. And, then I realized that I may have put S in a icky spot - between his parents. I just couldn't win.
Family. Participating in H's family events is the big dilemma right now. I miss them terribly. Joining H's family yesterday felt great in the moment and then...a big kick in the pants as I left alone. It's ok - I can handle it. I've proven it to myself with how shockingly composed I was.
While H and I didn't exchange much conversation because I didn't initiate convo and we know H is still avoiding, it was like old times with the family. Everyone (except MAYBE H) seemed comfortable. We all laughed and enjoyed each other's company, 'as if' (? for some). While it was great in the moment, it wasn't so great walking to my car by myself. I'm left to continue pondering if it was smart to go. I know I was invited but I still question. More thinking to be done.
I've been invited to (H's family) events that I've declined and made it a point to ask about said events last night. Of course he was within hearing distance the whole time. Actually, I didn't realize how in tune I've been (or at least appeared) in each of their lives until these questions naturally came from my mouth.
In a short stint after my arrival, it was obvious to H that I've been staying connected to his family. I could see surprise in H. Confusion that I wasn't miserable nor tense. I imagine he was left with an impression on how his family rec'd me - warm hugs and smiles. H listened very intently to conversations; offered no commentary.
I modeled detachment with no bad vibes. I was genuinely happy and laughing the entire time. I gave off good aura. Quite surprised at how 'at ease' I actually was. Adrenaline? I felt high on life....no as if. Will this provide H with comfort to reach out? To talk? To anything? We'll see. Hopefully last night extended an olive branch to him...while that wasn't what I set out to do. In light of a couple attempts to 'talk' in the last couple of months, I'd love for H to see that I'm not scary to talk with. Time will tell.
On the inside, I wanted to jump in his lap and embrace him. I wanted to text him all day today. I want to invite him to dinner. H is my love whom I miss so dearly but continue to stay away from as he asked for space many months ago. I pray I'm doing the right thing because it doesn't feel right and it feels so raw again. (I keep telling myself this.)
Walking out, it was a mad rush to the exit. H behind me and still, we didn't engage. When I saw H's high school buddy ahead, I stopped in my tracks, looked back at him and said, 'It was so good to see you.' Staring into each other's eyes, he responded with, 'Yes, it was good to see you too.' and off we went on our separate ways. H didn't visit with friends for long bc a couple minutes later, H (alone) went to restroom that I stood outside of waiting for S. I left before H came out. I'm not even sure that his response is something I can trust as I know they lie. Yet, I feel like saying it out loud will be words he may replay in his head.
H and S talked through the event. They seemed to catch up and enjoy each other's convo. I loved it. On one occasion, H leaned around S and called for me by name. H asked me a question. I provided a response with some detail and returned to my convo with H's cousins who were on my other side. No pressure from me.
Detaching and jumping off the roller coaster has been effective for my emotional self. But I'll tell you that the minute my eyes landed on H, I was madly in love with him again. Those shelved feelings rushed to the surface. I imagine H saw it. If I could read H, he was wondering if I would ignore him or sit next to him. Perhaps a bit of nervousness that was relieved as I approached. H moved in a bit to make room for me and all.
Yes, H is still wearing his wedding band. Yes, H still lives down the street and rarely reaches out. Yes, H is still quiet, reserved, unsure. Yes, H is confused about how this will all play out. Yes, H hasn't reached out in a long time.
Yes, I was gaining strength and sleeping well. Last night and today - not so much.
One step forward and two steps back.
Do I continue to resist temptation to not reach out for a friendly engagement? Offer myself some psychological flexibility? I'm self-disciplined and practicing restraint but will follow recommendations.
