Just just checking back in here, ive read everyone else's posts but havent had an oppurtunity to reply. I have kept myself as busy as possible here and establishing my new life as best as i can, starting to adapt to the way of life and building connections in the meantime. Today is a difficult day for me mentally, my court divorce petition was finally registered on friday. Its surreal seeing the case filen- me vs her. Never did i imagine when I said my marriage vows that it would ever be me vs her, i always saw it as us vs the world, together as one. I feel i have had no choice but to take this step. Today she will be served with the court documents and be given 30 days to reply to my petition, so no more delaying or playing games with the process. I still feel a heavy burden on my heart as this signals to me half of my life completing disappearing, a failure and the nearing of the end of a large part of my life. I still get the occasional moments where i find myself leaving the home and going to a quiet place to cry and let out frustration. So for anyone reading this, it is an ongoing process and you will sometimes fall back into the old thoughts but through perseverence, it does get better. Baby steps of sorts.
On the dating front ive been seeing someone for almost 3 months and have enjoyed and cherished the experience and forced myself to live in the moment and enjoy creating new memories. Although this has been a good experience i do not see it going for much longer. I entered into it with low expectations and not forced it to go in any direction, the 1 and a half years of being alone has tought me how to put my best foot forward but also to be careful and look for characteristics and values that match what I want. This has allowed me to be ready for the right woman but also not to settle for any less than what i believe i deserve, and it has become clear that the new relationship is becoming a way out of a difficult situation for her and not a true and authentic connection. And for that I am backing off and not rushing to get into anything again in the meantime. Being alone helped me realize my worth and value and taught me valuable experience in how to present myself to someone new and offer them something without giving up who I am. Sometimes theres a right person for you in your life at the right time, and i think the experience has helped me shape what and who i want in my life in a healthy way. This hasnt affected me not even a fraction of what the process with stbxw has but ive been able to handle my emotions much better and havent projected my inner thoughts into this process now.
All being said, everyone going through this right now, stay strong and work on yourself as best you can, whether you are attempting to fix something broken or deciding to move on. Be kind and generous to yourself and dont let others dictate the healing process for you. This is a journey set on your terms and following your timeline and you have to love yourself first before ever considering offering that sacred blessing of your heart to someone new
