I don't post too often these days, but I saw your thread and wanted to post to you. I am so sorry at you have returned.
Some of these crisis people come back to the relationship too soon and go back into crisis mode at a later time. When they do this, it creates even more heartache for the family and trust is even more difficult to earn when they finally want to return and repair the damage that they created.
Your h reminds me of a teen who had done something wrong and feels very guilty for what he's done. He's scared of what the future holds for him and he wants to know that "mom" is okay and willing to allow him to remain in the home and yes, forgive him. He's afraid that you have moved on and basically are going through the motions each and every day. He doesn't understand why you aren't reacting, i.e., crying, etc. In his mind, he doesn't realize just how much you have grown during this crisis. You may look the same, but you have learned to be more independent. He is looking for the woman he left behind and he doesn't realize that the changes that you made for you are permanent and you will not be going back to the way you were years ago.
He doesn't understand that trust has to be earned. It is not handed out like a coupon. Actions speak louder than words. Those actions need to be consistent.
He also doesn't realize that you do not want to discuss every little thing right now. You need time to process and heal. He needs to understand that you are not ready. He needs to accept your decision, i.e., if you aren't ready to discuss things and leave it be. It will take some time for that wall you have built around your heart to come down. It sure doesn't happen with a flip of the switch. The damage these crisis people create takes a lot of time to recover from.
He is saying all of the right things, but I get the feeling that he is in panic mode and will say anything and/or do anything to keep you in his life. I may be wrong on that assumption, but he is really trying to alleviate his guilt for what he has done to you and your family.
You have every right to question his actions/words. Caligirl, stay the course. You will know, in time, if his actions will match up with his words. For now, let him be. This man has a lot of internal work to do on himself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
