I'm Back! (6)

[Terapin]

Good Morning T

Quick question, which I probably already know the answer to.

Yes, I suspect you do.

XW rarely attends any of our sons sporting events. It's been this way for years. Either she was working, stressed from working, tired from working, didn't want to have to chat with other parents, etc, etc. Meanwhile, in 8 years and literally hundreds of football games, wrestling tournaments, basketball games, etc, I've never missed any. Not a single one. She also never attends parent meetings, never does required volunteering, never sells tickets, etc. It's all me.

Anyway, he's had 5 football games in the last month, and she's attended zero. I know it bothers our son, especially when his friends/teammates have everyone on their family tree in attendance, and he has only me and sometimes my parents. Is this something I should mention to her? It pisses me off to no end that she puts work and her own hobbies (sleeping, drinking wine, shopping) over our son. I obviously can't do anything about it, but I'm so tempted to tell her how pathetic I, him, and everyone else thinks it is.

How do you know it bothers your son? Does he talk about it? Mentioned it?

It pisses me off to no end…

Are your feelings amplifying your vision of things?

I obviously can't do anything about it…

Correct!

Although, what do you mean by “it”?

I obviously can't do anything about it making XW do what I consider to be the right thing.

T, you cannot control XW. Or anyone. Only you. And there is lay your answer.

Is this something I should mention to her?

No.

So what to do?

I suspect son does speak with and confide in you about his disappointment with his Mom. Validate his feelings. And do not demonize his Mom.

Speak with son. Age appropriately. Speak of control. Speak of rights and choice. Mom controls her actions. She has the right/choice to attend or not.

And son has choice as well. He can tell her his feelings.

During your and son’s conversation, possibilities and probabilities will come up. What is the likely outcome of his mentioning his disappointment to Mom? Would she start to attend? Would son want her to attend in that manner? Or would he rather have her attend from a more sincere desire to be there?

Cannot control her.

It’s a difficult conversation/leading/gently steering. Kids do find acceptance though. Which starts with discussing their feelings. Rationalizing their feelings. After all, acceptance is emotional understanding.

Neither you nor son can control Mom being there. However, you both can control/endeavour to accept. To let go that which you cannot control. To influence, positively, if and when/where appropriate. To be better, not bitter.

Yes, tall order. And a worthy one.

My goodness, if I had gotten p!ssed off all the times XW did (or didn’t do) stuff… Gosh, I’d have had a stroke! Let go. Focus on you. Focus on what’s important. You and son!

Focus on being the best version of you. You allowing yourself to get riled up from XW’s shenanigans does not serve you.

Son, focus on football. On practice. On doing his best. Regardless of who’s watching. And focus on being a kids. Have fun! Enjoying the games. Focusing on why his is doing it. The real reason. Happiness comes from within.

I suspect son is not yet ready to tell Mom his feelings. He cannot dare risk losing her, yet. In time, he will grow. In time, he will speak up to her.

Acknowledge son. Listen to son. Tell him you understand and love him. Absolutely love him! Continue being the strong stable parent.

Have a great Sunday.

D

Thanks D. As usual, you're right!

My son rarely opens up about much of anything, at least with me. Maybe he does with mom, IDK. He's always been a pretty quiet, shy kid. But he used to make little comments about mom not coming to watch him wrestle, or he'd ask why she's not there. That was when we were married. The first wrestling tournament he won, he was sad afterwards because she wasn't there to see it.
Recently he'll ask me if mom was at the game. i just say 'I don't know, I didn't see her'.

You're right, there's nothing I can do about it. Perhaps years ago I should have talked to her about it. Hell, I remember when we were in marriage counseling 6 years ago, and we brought son to one of the sessions. The therapist asked him if there's anything dad could do better, or you'd like him to do, what would it be? He sat there for about a minute, and finally answered 'I think he swears too much'. Then she asked the same about XW, and without hesitation he said 'I wish she'd spend more time with me.' I would be f'n mortified if my only child said that about me, but it didn't faze her one bit, and nothing's every really changed. Oh well.

But aside from how it affects our son, it affects me too, as i'm the one taking him to practices and games, volunteering, selling tickets, going to meetings, etc. I don't really think that's fair