Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

I was wondering if H would not show again.

Is it fair to assume he's still in deep replay and anchor checking?

You bet!

Is this controlling behavior and/or manipulation? That's what I hear.

2 for 2! You are hearing and seeing correctly.

Is H applying a charming monster - whatever that is? Charming and ignoring is how H would respond to mom's spewing. Am I onto something? Has H been monstering me all along with taking me to doctors? Hanging with me for hours until he had to do laundry? Breaking our plans because he has yardwork? Could this be his way of keeping the peace and not facing his issues?

For sure. H is doing anything, everything, to prolong from facing himself. Facing his pain/torment.

These anchor checks, H’s behaviour, well done on your part! You are nicely detached.

This is similar to my XW. She desperately reaches out to the kids. Calls, texts, one after the other, until the object of her attention finally calls her. The conversation between them is a nothing conversation. Nothing of significance. No care or concern from Mom regarding son/daughter’s life or school/work or whatever. No sharing of anything from her life; “oh, I just wanted to hear your voice”. (My one son is threatening to send her an audio file of him saying hi, as that is all she is ever after.) A minute or two, call over. Then radio silent for a few more months.

H is on his path. Which has nothing to do with you. You cannot speed him up. Any attempts would lead to prolonging his journey, or worse stalling him. You are wise with pressure free and letting him lead.

To that end, and with boundaries for you in mind, hold H accountable. Not entertaining his scheduling “conflicts”. No more proposing a different day. Demonstrating behaviour you won’t tolerate. Demonstrating behaviour you will. For example:

H: Can we talk this Saturday?
MG: Sure. Is there something specific? Nope, I’m busy. I can talk right now though.

That would likely garner:

H: err. I’m not free right now. How about xxx?

Reply:

MG: Nope. Not free then.


Words vs actions.

Put H on his heals. He can come to you when he is actually sincere and serious about conversing, instead of wasting your and his time.

Look at this past conversation between you and H. If that was someone other than H, you’d not be going along with it. Be kind and cordial. And don’t walk on eggshells.

Enjoy the day.

D