H: Can we talk this Saturday? MG: Sure. Is there something specific?
Radio silence until 10/5: H: Today might not be good MG: No problem. Thanks for letting me know. H: I'm hoping tomorrow but I might be going with X (a guy friend since HS) to Y town. I should find out today. MG: I've got plans all day tomorrow. If today works, give me a call. Otherwise maybe another day. H: Oh ok. I'll let you know
Hours later: H: Today not going to work. Maybe during the week?
Radio silence....
Observations: 10/2 text - it's been a while since H referred to he and I as "we" 10/5's texts: - expose his confusion and inner conflict "might not be good", "I'm hoping tomorrow but...", "Maybe during the week?" - fear/avoidance (had plans with me but broke them; could make plans for next day but isn't sure if he has plans already) - relieved that this weekend won't require him to face fears - "Oh ok."
I tried to keep the door open for future outreaches - providing kindness and no pressure. Would you agree?
I'm doing some reading and see H's actions as behavioral cycles that require a boundary. Could we be back to setting boundaries as this thread is titled? LOL
For 2.5 weeks, H asked how I was recovering until I told him I was 100% - May For 1 week, H offered 'acts of service' at the house and I declined - June For 7 weeks, H asked to come by the house to get belongings until I stopped responding to his texts - July/Aug For 7 weeks, H stopped texting - Aug/Sept H asked to 'talk' - once in early Aug and again this week (2 months later)
You all know that I don't ever really know how to behave / respond to H. So here I sit wondering if these behavioral cycles will continue until I stop responding (setting a boundary). Do I need to stop entertaining his requests to talk? Or should I be leaning in and keeping the door open? I've held true to not reaching out to him for anything since early May, a full 5 months and counting. Do I stop responding to 'talk requests'? If I respond to 10/5 request, what do I say?
Is it fair to assume he's still in deep replay and anchor checking? Is this controlling behavior and/or manipulation? That's what I hear.
I heard a video that referenced monstering as 'charming monster'. Basically, clarifying that 'monster' doesn't always spew if they know spewing won't be tolerated (H knows that I won't take disrespectful mouthing). Is H applying a charming monster - whatever that is? Charming and ignoring is how H would respond to mom's spewing. Am I onto something? Has H been monstering me all along with taking me to doctors? Hanging with me for hours until he had to do laundry? Breaking our plans because he has yardwork? Could this be his way of keeping the peace and not facing his issues?
Mentally, I'm in a stronger and better place. Unlike 6 months back, I write this with an interest of boundary setting so that I'm not taken advantage of rather than with an interest of getting H back (and fearful of his reaction). I love this for me. I will always be grateful for the handholding. I know I can stand on my own two feet and if H goes radio silent again, it really is his loss.
Church services this morning focused on the uniting of a married couple. It took everything I had to hold my tears. Really wish H would have heard today's service. He's going on a year now without attending.
In a couple hours, I'll be surrounded by laughter and joy with my kids. So looking forward to a work-free Sunday filled with the comfort of family.
Still sprinkling in days off to burn vacation time - taking two days this week and will fill them with a balance of me time and continued yardwork. Oh and pitch tomorrow night.
