Simply having a plan to approach text and Sat, I felt better putting my head down last night. It's eye opening to me how H still has a hold of my emotions. It was immediate panic, relief (H finally reached out), confusion (why now?), fear (can I keep my cool until I leave 'talk'), excitement (will he propose coming home?), anxiety (is this when H reinforces that he's still leaning towards divorce).....and on and on. In the moment, I couldn't rationally think through 'plan' on my own. This....this is what I need to work on. Sigh.
Sat will likely consume me in thought until Saturday comes. I'm not even sure Sat will happen. H recommended 'talk' in August and then didn't show up to the house. I didn't question nor reach out to hound. Perhaps he expected that I would. My 180s feel great (to me) but as I reflect, I can't imagine what his mind is deducting in moments of clarity.
H: Can we talk this Saturday? MG: Sure. Is there something specific?
I opted to not suggest a place/time bc I don't want to be 'stood up' and waste my time. If H doesn't reach back out between now and Sat, I will stay home and prep for Sunday family dinner. No harm, no foul. Again, I won't follow-up. Will just return to no contact. Sigh
I still haven't heard back from H (and may not) but suspect that H is expecting to meet at the house. I'll need to change that idea...restaurant certainly feels better. H won't decide when to leave convo (well, I suppose he still could in the midst of avoidance); I will. It feels good to have taken back control of myself.
Did some thinking about the 'why now?'. Perhaps going to Nephew's event on 10/14 has him uncertain about how I'll behave with his family? The townees? Fear - H's fears continue? We'll see.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Hitting rock bottom is necessary. And there areso many distractions, internal and external, to allow folks to continue as they are.
Ego, pride, stubbornness. Lots to swallow. It takes a humbleness to admit, sincerely admit, to one’s pain and torment. Admit and submit. MLCer’s run from that. Fight that. And fighting begets fighting.
I'd like to meet up simply so that I can listen to where H's head/heart are. Still, I don't expect that I will learn much. If the past repeats itself, H will talk about work and what H has done all summer (share about dog? AD?). I genuinely see this as another temp check. I'd like to be pleasantly surprised but have no expectations. I love that I've learned this - no expectations! I'll hope.
H is both humble and has an ego. It's so hard to explain and even wrap my head around it. I remember how arrogant H was when we met. I was so unattracted to the arrogance and H stopped showing up as an arrogant person - never gave it much thought. I re-met arrogant H at BD. Let's see how he shows up....
Funny how just earlier this week we talked about H having turned inward. Hope to see some of this.
Originally Posted by DnJ
My weekend was different. I spoke and interacted with lots of people. Danced with lots of people. Helped with the fireworks, setting up the hall, cleaning up the hall, and so on. It was a good time! Good food, good people!
Yup! I'm sure XW noticed. Of course, that's not why you enjoyed yourself. She must wonder what you're doing different to be happy....as she continues to seek happy. Good for you! Laugh and love. Life is just too short.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Snow, sometimes falls early October. November is more average. The winter temperature hits its lows in January/February, -30C/-40C. Even lower during the nasty storms.
The ground is usually frozen by the end of October. Many Halloween costumes are worn overtop snowsuits. lol.
As for accumulation. Feet of snow. Plenty of feet. The big storms dump/blow enough snow to bury everything. It is pretty common for a storm to drop a foot or so of snow and the wind to pile that up into some huge drifts. I’ve woken up to five feet pile into the driveway overnight. Takes a while to clear that!
Woah - that's colder than I would enjoy. I'm cold at 15C. Perhaps I need some meat on these bones.
I continue to dedicate an hour or so each afternoon to trim bushes before our winter hits. For what it's worth, I'm learning that my winter definition sounds more like your summer temps. lol I have gained appreciation for H and what he'd maintain in our yard in 2 or 3 afternoons. H would cover more ground each time. Physically, I need to spread it out more. Either way, it's getting done! I'm determined.
