It’s been 2 weeks since I put down some boundaries . I took some time to get my head a bit stronger and really look at the type of marriage I have had the last few years . The more I looked and when I say I looked . I went back through two years of text messages between me and H. I am taking zero responsibility for any of this. It was actually shocking to see it all play out . The amount of messages I received about having a great day with H and how much he loved me then 3 days later a complete switch to him being “ missing “ “cold” “distant “ mind blowing . Full blown A brain . My response was always the same when you invest time in your marriage you see the result . When you choose to not spend time . You also see the result . There is one that has been just stuck in my mind from Nov that I sent . “ This is a prison you have created for me . I have to choose giving up half my time with my children to save myself from you . You do just enough that I won’t make you leave and play on my weakness “ every word of this is so true .
It’s been 5 weeks since BD. 4 months that H has planted himself home and changed his ways . I ve let go of the time he said he’s moving out after BD because he is not going anywhere even if he’s thought it was a knee jerk reaction to getting “ caught “ 2 months after he ended it . He is here to stay unless I file for divorce and end it . He’s weak and a shadow of who I married .
I decided to actually sit down and speak to him . My silence on this is slowly killing him but also slowly building me . Could care less about his slow death as he brought that on himself . It may have not been in the right divorce busting style but I started with if you love your A partner so much just go . I am not interested in co habitation in a half marriage or half effort . I will not continue to be a support system to your craziness or your source of comfort during hard times . I will co parent with you . You will not step foot in my home after you leave and will allow me the space to heal from all you have done .
H silence was deafening. After a few minutes H did speak up . I did not cheat on you for love . I did it because I am not proud to say but out of jealousy and weakness . You have everything . The better job . The higher income . The children love you more . It’s like I live in your shadow. And rather than being your support I wanted to watch you fail and hurt you. And you don’t fail and still are not. Every friendship you have you keep at just that . I thought the worst of you because those were thoughts I had myself of me . She is going to keep improving and not need or want me . I did the worst thing I could have ever done and rather than speaking up it ate me alive until I loathed you and tried to put on a happy front while cheating .I’ve learned while doing counseling none of this is you . It’s all me . I need to learn that it’s fine to speak up . That is fine my children go to mom . She is their comfort . Just because my wife does not tell me everyday I look nice does not mean she doesn’t love me . And is not a reason to look elsewhere for that . My wife shows me she loves me in many different ways . My counselor was actually shocked I had an affair on someone I still was “sleeping” with you 2-3 nights a week . For all of it I am wrong and will do whatever it takes to make you feel secure again and love you the way you deserve . I’m not going anywhere . Whatever you need or want access to please tell me . I’ll show you . I’ll give it to you . I don’t love A partner and never did . It was a void I filled that you didn’t make . I did in my head .
I didn’t give too much of a response besides I need time and a lot of it .
