Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

I'm mentally not ready and for this reason, am hesitant to earmark weeks to take off and eat the 6 weeks. I'm still overwhelmed by feelings of loneliness. Often. Too often. And, the idea of not having any demands from the job would mentally not work in my favor. I may end up giving time back this year! We'll see.

I do remember that feeling of overwhelming loneliness. And yes, it was often. Grief/depression takes as long as it takes.

Being busy does help, and yes work is a good source of routine and tasks. Building our new world amongst the ruin.

We let go bargaining once we emotionally exhaust all efforts to prop the old normal. Depression heralds, and comes from, the realization of our loss and that the old normal is gone. Now, we delve into the dark depression of our loss.

It’s mostly a subconscious process. Emotional understanding. Acceptance. As emotions are born, live, and die within a realm outside of intellect and direction conscious control. Emotions rise and fall as one traverses their path.

The conscious part is one keeping busy, maintaining their health, allowing time to consciously think about their situation, and also not dwelling upon it. To keep moving forward. To have faith.

I'm a couple weeks shy of BD2 when everything really hit the fan and hasn't been the same. I'm having a hard time. Logically, I know it's just another day. Emotionally, I'm still in disbelief that what I looked forward to in 'our' future was yanked and I continue to mourn the future's loss. Recognizing the emotional roots, I compose myself quicker but cycle quicker too. It's been rough talking myself into clarity.

Oddly, we understand, mentally, intellectually, rather quickly. Yet still, that does not, cannot, force our emotions (heart) to comply. We know we will be alright, heck we are living it (finances, custody, accommodations, food on the table, meaningful and successful employment, etc.), and it still takes a while to feel “alright”.

You are doing perfectly fine by the way. (((Hugs)))

Remember, emotional side of me has been winning out. Logic needs to strengthen. Soon.

It’s not about vanquishing your emotional side. Nor one side winning and therefore the other side losing. Both sides are winning. Actually four sides/paths: physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. Like four lane on our life’s highway. All four paths win/grow/evolve. It just feels differently (for a while).

Once all four cars are travelling their individual paths at the same speed and direction, basically side by side - presently that emotional car is zooming around a lot more than the others - there is peace and contentment. Understanding, compassion, acceptance. Which turn out to be more headings than destinations, as life is more about the journey than the destination.

Have been spending a lot of time with mom over the last year and am finding myself getting triggered by some of her communication methods. This has always been her way, but I brushed it off as i didn't see as much of her prior to BD2.

Two come to the surface most and I wonder if this is the childhood trauma that I need to heal. And, if it is, how do I heal from this?

It is reasonable to feel some clashing with your Mom over stuff. Especially considering the current grief and such. Ensure you aren’t projecting/blaming her for your feelings.

I’ve seen much more of my Mom over these past few years. We have many meals together, watch shows, and even gone on vacations together. Yet, there are times of feeling a clash. For example, yesterday I had a doctor appointment in the city. Driving around, parking, traffic, etc. I got pretty frustrated by it all. Mom and I had plans for supper and watching our current show. I felt frustrated with her, with what she was saying and doing. Nothing out of the ordinary. It was me, how I felt.

Now seeing such feelings, and not acting upon them, are two different things. I think I did pretty well. Let my feelings be, while I continued on with things. The night went pleasantly enough.

Today, emotions have fleeted. I feel fine. It was not my Mom’s fault, nor anything she was doing. It was my frustration. And it coloured how I was seeing things. Coloured, not controlled.

1. Mom tries to 'control' my decisions by influencing and nudging - I often gave in to what she wanted and am beginning to push back. It's small stuff like, "Stay for dinner. Oh come on, you don't have anything else going on and you're already here...." Yes, I could stay but now that I'm aware of the tactic, I'm more inclined to not stay. I feel wrong but am standing my ground a bit more out of principle.

Mom doesn’t control your decision. She tries to influence and nudge it.

When you secede your control, give in, you feel bad. It’s your control - own it. If you have something going on, plans, whatever, and do not wish to stay for supper, then don’t. If you don’t have plans. If it’s just on principle…why? Dig and find out.

How about: “Sure Mom, I’d love to stay. And tomorrow we’ll have supper at my house.”

2. Mom repeats herself a lot. In convo last night, I mentioned that I'm not working this week. Apparently, I didn't tell her. I acknowledged that I may not have told her when she said it the first time. We went on with convo where I told her what I did for the day. At the next pause, she reminded me that she didn't know I was on vaca and made me feel like she didn't listen to any of my day's activities. I ignored the second one and kept talking and she AGAIN reminded me that "It's ok that I didn't tell her but she didn't know I was on vaca. That's great. We all need a break."

Oh my yes. My Mom “forgot” many things. I got frustrated and angry at not being heard or listened to.

Turns out she is hard of hearing. She didn’t hear, not didn’t listen. And like everyone Mom has denial as well, and frustration at having to ask people to repeat stuff.

Along with that, she is old. And yes, she actually does forget too.

It took me some time and effort to find acceptance and peace with that. Mom (and Dad) getting old and the normal ailments that age brings. Really helped when I figured out it wasn’t their choice. lol.

It’s not easy. And there are still frustrating times. Yet, Mom and Dad are here. And I am blessed. So, I let my feelings flit and embrace better. Grateful for Mom being here to frustrate me. Haha.

Be better, not bitter.

It’s on my signature line, along with forgiveness. Tenets I live by, and at times, renew effort towards.

Anyhow, just some thoughts and feedback.

One other idea for you to consider: Go on a vacation/trip with Mom. You’ve got lots of vacation time. Helps with the loneliness, and that new world one is crafting. A few days maybe, not six weeks. Or maybe a few day trips.



What card game(s) are you playing in your league? Bridge?

Have a great day.

D