Thank you Valseka19. Needed that one . I have given a few boundaries . Example I do not want to hear you are sorry anymore . H has stuck to that one . Another one was if you are honest I’m not going to raise my voice . Which he saw a complete different side of me when he was denying cheating . I’m one of those people sometimes they gotta know you are not a fool either .It’s very odd for someone who ran a muck for 18 months he has this weird fear of me or something . Example of the I love you I am getting . H comes home from work last few months earlier than he had been while A was going on . I’m cooking dinner . Kids got to eat . I do too . Walks in says hello . I say hi , continue cooking . Then it’s the I’m really glad to be here and home . I love you . I usually continue cooking . Last night I made a plate and went outside to eat alone . Everyone followed . Yes I’m that mom they all follow . So H comes out small talk how was my day . I respond good . Then he starts talking about his day . Kids standing around chatting about school and their day . Can’t exactly just get up and walk away or tell him I want space with the kids there . I also am not just going to get up and go sit inside either . I’m happy outside with my kids and even when they go and run off up the hill I’m not missing those moments of just watching them enjoy life because he wants to spew . Suggestions ? On a scale of 1-10. I’m at a 2 with feeling different . Just time and consistency for me is huge .
I have suggestions - but it is not gonna feel comfortable for you. However I feel like you will see how seriously "sorry" he is. And if he is at all interested in making amends. As they say - the proof is in the pudding.
"H - I have asked for space and time. I understand that this may be very broad so here is HOW i am asking for space.
1. Please refrain from telling me that you love me. 2. Let's please keep our conversations to about the kids. 3. Last night when I went to eat outside to eat alone - it would be great if you could give me that space 4. Although i completely understand how difficult it is to "live" with your actions, I am not the appropriate the person to talk to about this. Please find someone else as I do not wish to hear how "sick" you feel. 5. "Please sleep in a different room at night"
If you don't want to "miss the moment" then maybe try to not be a spectator with the kids. Run up the hill with them and leave your husband on the porch. Or if not possible - don't watch in the same area. If the kids can't hear you can say. "I'm focused on the kids and don't want to speak rightnow"
In some ways I can understand you not wanting to upset your kids... but you have to ask yourself "What am I showing them". If you don't stand up for yourself... then your kids won't learn to stand up for themselves. And that is a painful way to live a life.
Overall - You are just too available for him. It's a comfortable place for you even though any reader can see how painful/confusing being "available" is for you.
Take ALL of your energy previously used on H and turn it towards you. Stay in the uncomfortable, don't be afraid to rock the boat. I know it "feels" like there is much to lose - but the truth is that it is already gone. There is freedom to now be the person you were destined to be.
Originally Posted by Caligirl
Over the last year I have said multiple times I deserve someone who wants to be with me and build a life . If that’s not you then go but don’t string me along and throw me bread crumbs.
True... but that someone is actually YOU. Make sure YOU aren't throwing yourself breadcrumbs. Make sure YOU aren't only words but actions too.
One step at a time. You got this.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
