A return new comer

[DnJ]

Good Morning Cg

I agree. It does feel good to break out the better clothing. Sounds like your day to day attire has shifted a bit. Good for you.

Thanks for sharing about having no spare bedroom. That does limit options somewhat. And I too do not think having Dad sleeping on the couch is a good long term path. It is good that he does not want to be banished to the couch.

I have communicated minimally and many times am trying to balance a deer in head lights look. One thing he said very clearly was you were the first person who just gave me space and allowed me to sort through the jumbled mess in my head. I did respond to that and said I deserve a spouse who is committed to being here. If you choose to leave I will not stop you but I will not help you either.

I see your 180, your efforts on being quiet. And the finding the balancing of deer in the headlights vs quiet. If I may offer a suggestion, and I may be off base here so do let me know, it’s not about being quiet, I think you are working on how to listen, validate, and not give your point of view when he opens up.

In the above, you are correct in what you stated. You do deserve a committed spouse. However, H is not ready, nor got his mess sorted out enough to hear it or absorb it. That is just a lot of pressure on him.

Now, you said it. Good. It’s ok for him to hear it. And you placed the ball in his court. Once is enough. Let it go. H’s path is slow. And pressure will make it slower, or worse derail it.

One thing he said very clearly was you were the first person who just gave me space and allowed me to sort through the jumbled mess in my head.

A suggested response: You’re welcome.

You could add how overwhelming it must be to have such feelings swimming about, or other folks being demanding of him. Or not. Silence is ok too. Letting H lead the way, at his pace, and his direction.

he said he’s here because this is where he wants to be and that he loves me. Felt like he lost me many years ago and was just starting to get me back. I didn’t say much because doing nothing is doing something.

Yep, you need not do anything. Just acknowledge and go about your day.


It looks like you are in a good place financially. Sole ownership of the house is fortunate.

What I have really been pondering is do I have this in me for another go around?

Luckily, you don’t have to answer that today. Do you? Doing nothing is doing something.

It does sound like H is/has making/made positive progress. Albeit slow. You’ve seen him be a better person. It takes time.

I feel like he’s a little hawk watching my every move and I don’t like it. … I can’t even talk on the phone without him just walking by.

That does sound irritating.

I suspect H has bouts of guilt, shame, regret, and such. Is underfoot due to his worry and wonder if he can be forgiven or even deserving of it. Worried he is being judged. And kind of lost on how to go forward.

H needs to feel the loss. Needs to decide to make significant personal inner changes. Like you said, words vs actions. Time will tell.

Live and love your life. Focus on you. Let time work for and with you. It is a gift.

D