Rumspringa

[mamabird]

This week H stayed at my house with S18 while I was dropping S20 off at college. It's only a few more weeks until S18 goes so I've been "practicing" being an empty nester. H has been around a little more because he's been taking S18 to do fun stuff and kind of sort of (but not really) helping him get ready for college.

Yesterday H came by to take his bike in for a tune up so S18 could use it at college. It gave us a chance to chat. I was in the middle of work but H just sat down at the kitchen table as if he wanted to catch up. We did catch up - it was an unremarkable conversation. He seems to be settling in to his new place ok. Today H came over to pick up S18 for golf and started talking to me from 20 feet away in his usual mumbling tone. But when I said I couldn't hear him he took on this snotty "are you deaf" cadence. I definitely don't miss THAT. Certainly there's no way that he could be talking low; I must have a hearing problem!

My friends keep telling me "they are so sorry" and every time they say that I think that there's nothing to be sorry about. Well, there's obviously something to be sorry about, but I'm not really feeling sad or anything like that. I'm surprised by this. I thought I would feel SOMETHING. But really what I feel is relief and I'm kind of relishing not having to consider anyone else after doing so for 25 years. One of my friends actually said she was happy for me.

I feel a little guilty for not being more broken up about it, but maybe I processed all of that earlier in the summer when this was brewing. I don't know. It's given me the opportunity to see things differently. Things don't really feel that different, except now I don't have to experience H's negative energy all the time.