Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[MamaG]

I've been staying busy through the summer months, enjoying a good mix of friends and family. I even completed some repairs and household chores. It's been quite an experience since I began detaching.

My greatest gain has been my spiritual and mental growth. I have opportunity here still but feel that my emotional growth has been lacking. I tell myself that I'm detaching and from the outside in, I am. Behind closed doors, I'm a hot mess more often than I'd like to admit. Folks on this platform bear the brunt of it.

DnJ, I thank you so very much for always bringing calm to my storm. You don't have any idea what it means to me.

Your last response shares a bit more about your sitch. WOW! She really did introduce many pets. And, plants!! So strange (to us). Of course, I found myself trying to make sense of your XWs pets and plants. Wish I knew how to make my brain stop processing this way. Why do I need an explanation? understanding? I don't - logically, I know that I don't. Yet, I brainwaves process that way.

When one partakes less in the symptoms/behaviours, especially destructive behaviours like drinking, drugs, and such, they may be able to progress through their depression better.

Of course, one needs to realize they are depressed or having some manner of emotional troubles, before they’ll reach out. Or have the reaching out be driven by them. Otherwise they are just going along with, and it would be more “I tried” justification for their narrative.

The low energy wallower crisis type, like your H, would be better suited for antidepressants methinks.

H admitted to being depressed even before BD. He could feel the depression and that something was off. H couldn't put his finger on 'what' was off. I now know that this was MLC brewing. I am prepared for H not sticking to the ADs but knowing that he's admitted being depressed, I'm hopeful for his sake that this will work for him to feel less down on himself. Ideally, ADs will require less replay behaviors (weed, alcohol) to suppress the turmoil because as we know his replay behaviors only worsen depression. I don't even know what came first...the depression or his attempts to cure depression with depression-inducing substances. Hope that makes sense?

However, the crisis still needs to complete. It’s unknown, as each person is different, as to if less brooding would allow better progress or not. Less brooding may allow more running behaviours, or it may allow more inner looking. Hard to predict.

The major caution, IMO, would be thinking the crisis is over due to less symptoms. The MLCer feels better, the LBS sees this external difference, yet it is only a delay in the crisis. Time is always required to progress through their depression. There is no way around that. The marathon may be less destructive, yet it still needs to run its entire course.

I totally get your explanation that the crisis still needs to be completed and it's unclear the impact on the marathon length. This is what I expected your response to be. I'll take 'less destructive'.

As for the dog, H lost his dog as kid when she ran into the street. And, as one of his complaints at BD, he was upset that I gave up our first dog and has no recollection that we discussed the decision at length before making a decision together - rewriting of history. This was 25 years ago. I'm beginning to wonder if losing his pet as a kid has something to do with this trauma. Time will tell. Possibly, as you allude, hidden details.

Of course, it depends. Perhaps H is open to the responsibility of a pet. Feels a connection. Some empathy. Ah, those hidden details. Time will tell. If I were surmising your H’s hidden reasoning, I’d likely place it on the positive end of the spectrum.

When you said, "positive end of spectrum" are you surmising that he may be peaking and feeling empathy? Companion to share love? I don't want to misinterpret.

My XW tossed aside me and the kids. She lives with OM. Seven years post BD and her active social media has nothing about OM. Still has our wedding pictures up. MLCers do (and don’t do) all manner of stuff.

I just can't understand...and I know that's the point. They aren't logically thinking. I'm not overthinking the FB pic change. Rather, I brought it up get vets thoughts. Say no more.

That which one focuses upon gets larger. Focusing on what might happen will continue to foster the haunting within you.

Good reminder. I know yet forget so often. TY

How do you feel? Do you have a better handle on your emotions? Less being dragged about? Maybe not being dragged about at all? Sleeping better?

My emotions are no longer in reaction/response to H's actions/comments - well, there also are none coming my way lately. I feel myself having emotional outbursts for different reasons or maybe from different drivers.

I look forward to fewer of these moments. I can see that there has been a subtle change in frequency already.

I admit to myself that which I'm feeling in the moment (Right now, I am sad bc...) and it helps in getting through it. I accept the feelings and I move along.

What gets me is that I miss H's company, jokes, embrace, comfort...etc. and these thoughts slap me in the face all too often. Still.

I am sleeping MUCH better - that's a win.

Having a greater understanding of the process and reading through examples of crazy things MLCers do/don't do has me less surprised when I hear/see some of H's specifics. My questions to this platform sometimes are for confirmation of my thoughts. I don't have as strong emotions in this space.

Fears are still a thing I need to work on. Football season is upon us. H will be occupied with work and football now. Will he ever reach back out? This is the conversation I need to work through....and I am. You've clarified fear in the past. I find myself reminding myself but get stuck.

Thanks for direction on how I respond to H's attendance and interaction this weekend. I also expect to answer the question, "what's going on with you and H" a few times. I know...I know. Expectations. Fears.

I will have a great time with the event - to some degree it's like a HS reunion as everyone congregates at the event. I will laugh and enjoy myself...and all for a good cause.

MG