Hi, all. I hope each of you is doing as well as possible. W and I continue on a positive path of reconciliation. Finally finding an effective MC (for both of us) makes an incredible difference. Our MC is pushing me to think differently about how I used to turn away from W when she would be critical or when her anxiety might lead to a variety of impulsive, angry actions. W has been owning up to her contributions more than ever before in our M. MC has a very gentle way of asking W how well W's thoughts and actions had been serving her in our M, previous relationships, and other parts of life. W is also doing an incredible job of clearly and specifically communicating what she wants or needs. In general, nothing's been undoable or unreasonable. In a recent session when W acknowledge how sending me mixed messages about things was unfair, I couldn't help but tear up at the acknowledgement. W said she was over-relying on me to be the solution to all kinds of issues that might pop up for her....and over-blaming me for being the cause of negative things that happen to W. I've also been working on putting clear boundaries in place with my mom (who readers may recall was upset as I've been putting W first more often over the last 5 years). While mom is still bothered, she seems to be slowly accepting that this is how it is.
We still have moments. I may feel a flash of anger about something W says or does. I can see W's response behind her eyes is a step away from yelling at or criticizing me. But, 99.9% I see us both truly working to make this marriage what we both want. It has only been two months since W dismissed the D filing so I don't want to be naive about that. Sustained improvement is a longer-term thing. And, continuing to GAL has been so helpful for my own self-care. I attended a concert with my college roommate, singing way too much and staying out way too late. I've also knocked out 8-10 projects that have been on my to-do list for over a year.
Sitting down and making a list of all the things in our control that we want to get done is a powerful thing in my experience. Closing bank accounts that are no longer needed. Fixing a screen. Going for a bike ride. Having a favorite meal alone. Donating old clothes. Getting a massage. You name it. Talk about staying busy and getting some small, confidence-building accomplishments under your belt - THIS is really good stuff. I encourage you to jot down 3-5 things (non-relationship related) that you want or need to do in the next two weeks and GET THEM DONE! Let us know how it goes! As Sandi's rules say WRT our relationships - be patient....very patient....too.
