Hi CaliG. Like you, I found myself needing to re-boot my efforts to DB. What you're going through is unfair. Like others, my advice is to focus on 1) your well-being and 2) the well-being of your kids. I encourage you to go back and read (from Cadet's welcome post DnJ shared), Sandi's rules. Pivot to acting "as if" you're moving on with your life, with or without your H. You can and will be OK if you shift to working on the only person you can control in this situation: you. Make yourself less available for H to do or say what he's doing. Great job responding to texts with minimal responses and only when a text truly merits a response. Given your H tons of space. Put all questions about your M on hold - he's nowhere near in a place to have a credible discussion with you about your relationship.
I suspect we all feel the temptation to give in when our wayward or walkaway spouses want to re-engage with us in some way (sex, cuddling, availability for providing empathy, etc.). Part of our hearts wants them back. We think it may be easier and so their seemingly quick improvements further tempt us to jump back in. But, as so many experiences on this board reflect, these improvements are fleeting mirages and often not sustained. Dive back into the DB books. Watch some MWD videos on YouTube. Think of 1-2 180s you can pull that will make your S take notice. For example, putting your foot down about the sleeping arrangements or attempts to still access you for support - communicate that given all this behavior, you're "closed" for business as a wife for now. If you had a BD, I'd say he fired you from your role as W. Maybe this is more like a sabbatical or leave of absence to focus on your health and sanity.
Keep us posted on your progress. I'm especially interested to hear in your next update 1-2 things you're doing for the 100% purpose of feeling better about yourself and worth.
