You keep moving forward in your life. Live your life. Do hobbies. Read a book. Go places. Have fun. All those GAL activities. Moving on, deciding upon major life changes need not be undertaken today.
It is clear H is under a lot of turmoil. A portion of that is self inflicted. Guilt, shame, regret, etc. will need to be felt and worked through, as well as all the other pressures and stresses and such.
You are correct H needs to feel this right to his core. He needs to hit rock bottom.
Originally Posted by Caligirl
I don’t even know what rock bottom would be or expected changes .
A MLCer’s rock bottom is a choice. A time when one decides to stop their decent. A time of God-fearing remorse. Deep dark depression. Utter inability to continue as they are. And not sure of how or where or what to do next. One is exhausted of blaming and loathing others and themselves. The fight is gone from them. Rock bottom is hit, when the only way left is up.
As you can see, rock bottom is rather bleak. Crisis folks do not run towards it, and do everything in their power to avoid such. Rock bottom will be as large and as grave as the transgression. The bigger the transgression the bigger and harder the fall.
We LBS have a rock bottom as well. Our’s is more grief driven. And change driven. We’ll fight and struggle, until eventually hitting bottom when we decide. Then we start the difficult upward efforts to betterment.
Interestingly, the choice, the hitting the bottom, is mostly unwittingly. Grief is a journey towards emotional understanding. A crisis is an emotionally driven journey. Emotions do not lend themselves to the intellectual path, to knowing, to logically deciding. No, this choice is more a belief and faith kind of a thing. Intellect, emotions, convictions, tenets, all converging and altering one’s trajectory.
It’s a rather profound time. Most LBS testify to the incredible journey they were forced on to. Incredible gains from such a painful and unwanted path. Yet, they’d not give up the lessons they’ve learned. It’s that profound.
H has back out of his plan to move out. I agree with you, H likely got quite a jolt of reality facing an empty house. Do realize H is still emotionally driven. His 180 may not last, and he might well feel like moving out again. Don’t fret it. Leave him be. Focus on you.
So, H is remaining in the home. Let look at a few logistical kind of things. Which will look into that which really matters - you and your well-being.
Originally Posted by Caligirl
how do you react to him coming bed not for sex but just to hold you or vice versa ????
As was stated, don’t. No cake eating.
What are your current sleeping arrangements? I suspect H is still in the master bedroom. I’d tell/move him to a spare room. He was all planning on moving out. He is going to need time and space to sort out his confusion. I think a cooling down period will be helpful. (For you too.) In fact, I’d not be surprised if he wants separate rooms. Folks in crisis are really under extreme pressures and want to hide away.
Figure out your boundaries towards disrespectful behaviour from H and hold him accountable. People will treat you as you let them. H will not like boundaries and will test them. Perfectly normal by the way. Let him crash into your boundaries. Be rock solid. MLCers are like teenagers and need to grow up.
Meals. Laundry. And such are other areas where you may move forward in a more separate manner for the time being. The path somewhat is derived by H’s temperament. Besides, he may very well choose to do his own thing. Time will tell.
Focus on you. Give H lots of time and space. GAL! Keep moving forward.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
