Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

Question: How do anti-depressants impact someone in MLC? Alter the marathon?

Antidepressants can ease the feelings of depression and thus lessen the symptoms of depression, not cure the underlying reason or cause for the depression. When one partakes less in the symptoms/behaviours, especially destructive behaviours like drinking, drugs, and such, they may be able to progress through their depression better.

Of course, one needs to realize they are depressed or having some manner of emotional troubles, before they’ll reach out. Or have the reaching out be driven by them. Otherwise they are just going along with, and it would be more “I tried” justification for their narrative.

The low energy wallower crisis type, like your H, would be better suited for antidepressants methinks. A high energy vanisher, as my XW, is very assured that they are doing the right thing and nothing is wrong. They need to, are driven to, believe that. That type would neither reach out nor remain on such an antidepressant regime for long.

However, the crisis still needs to complete. It’s unknown, as each person is different, as to if less brooding would allow better progress or not. Less brooding may allow more running behaviours, or it may allow more inner looking. Hard to predict.

The major caution, IMO, would be thinking the crisis is over due to less symptoms. The MLCer feels better, the LBS sees this external difference, yet it is only a delay in the crisis. Time is always required to progress through their depression. There is no way around that. The marathon may be less destructive, yet it still needs to run its entire course.

Question: I've read (somewhere) that getting a dog is a positive sign as H is opening up to showing love and empathy that had been tucked away. Starting with a safe love, such as a dog, who will return love and not judge him is a peak out of the tunnel. Is this true? Could a dog help him?

Question: Or can getting a dog be seen as another external happiness as he continues through replay?

Like most things in life, or crisis or anything really, it depends.

How H treats the dog; why he got him in the first place; H expectations; H’s acceptance of the animal; and so on.

My XW has gone through a few pets. She got three cats, which didn’t accomplish whatever it was she felt she was looking for. She added two more, then having five felines. Her love and affection lasted about a month, and the cats were relegated to the barn.

She then turned to birds. Two budgies, big cage, stand, the whole nine yards. That likewise lasted only months. XW got rid of them in frustration because the wee birds didn’t fly around the room and land on her finger as in a Disney-like fashion. Her and OM spend days corralling the birds from various corners of the house, until birds and all were finally tossed away.

XW did not want, nor accepted the reality of, the responsibility and care for the living creatures.

Plants, on the other hand, XW has an affinity to. Presently she has around 500, yes that is five hundred, plants in the house. Every single spare flat space has a pot and plant on it. The top of the TV, shelves, cupboards, desks, counters, floors, everywhere. The living room has a path to the couch and chair, the rest of the floor is plants. In one corner is a corn stalk that has reached the ceiling. XW wanted to cut a hole in the ceiling for it to continue growing. The spare bedroom is completely plants. The kids wonder how she waters all of them, as there is no path or free floor space in the room. Speaking of watering, she has a “boss plant” that lets her know when other plants need water. I know, sounds crazy. Yet, the plants are thriving.

Of course, it depends. Perhaps H is open to the responsibility of a pet. Feels a connection. Some empathy. Ah, those hidden details. Time will tell. If I were surmising your H’s hidden reasoning, I’d likely place it on the positive end of the spectrum.

Is it a peek out of the tunnel? Positive forward movement? Likely. Will it last or remain? Unknown. Time will tell. Be careful and cautious about seeing what you would like to see. H’s emotions are still a bag of cats. This moment may just be a lull.

3. H changed his profile pic on social media - the prior photo has been of him and I for years as he doesn't post often. At a closer look, he removed all posts that were dedicated to me - mostly anniversary wishes. I'm still on his thread but no more dedicated posts.

My XW tossed aside me and the kids. She lives with OM. Seven years post BD and her active social media has nothing about OM. Still has our wedding pictures up. MLCers do (and don’t do) all manner of stuff.

4. Still no PA - yes, not knowing of one haunts me based on most experiences here. I continue to pray that this doesn't change.

I empathize.

Now, some might be hard to take advice. What/who do you control? Only you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions.

Fretting and worry will not stop H, if he is going to.

That which one focuses upon gets larger. Focusing on what might happen will continue to foster the haunting within you.

You’ve prayed your desire in this manner. God knows what you’d like not to happen. Let go. Give H, and his journey, to a higher power.

Pray for H not to not do something, rather to do something. To progress. To find peace. Whatever path that might take. Trust God.

Focus on what you can and do control. Your path.

5. Last text to come get things was 8/11. After continuous attempts to 'get some things', H has pulled back.

Yep. Back and forth. They do ping pong about.

Box his stuff up and set it aside. Out of your way.

6. I have been dim/dark for going on 4 months now.

Good.

How do you feel? Do you have a better handle on your emotions? Less being dragged about? Maybe not being dragged about at all? Sleeping better?

7. There's a BIG charity town event this weekend that I've always volunteered at. 90% of our town and surrounding towns attend this event at some point through the long weekend. H expects that I'll volunteer as I've done for years and I fully expect that H will attend and bring his new dog. It's been months since H and I have interacted and it'll be awkward, I'm sure. I plan to look my best and be having a great time to let him see that I'm living my life without him and have accepted that he wants to move on. Some of this will require the 'fake it till I make it' mentality. I will mostly have to be surprised about the dog.
Question: Am I happily surprised or confused surprised? Thoughts?
Question: Any other suggestions for our run in? Do I engage? Ask how he's doing? Open the door at all?

Yes, do volunteer. Do live and love your life and the events that bring you fulfillment.

I fully expect that H will attend and bring his new dog. It's been months since H and I have interacted and it'll be awkward, I'm sure.

Why? Why will it be awkward?

Expectations! Dial those to zero!

If H doesn’t bring his dog and you expect him to, you’ll wonder why.

You’re preparing and pre-destining that things will be awkward.

Big red stop sign. You control you. Stop those thoughts and worry. Influence/alter those feelings.

Go to the event. Let go H. Be you. Enjoy it.

I plan to look my best and be having have a great time. to let him see that I'm living my life without him and have accepted that he wants to move on. Some of this will require the 'fake it till I make it' mentality.

Yes, look your best. Be your best. Have a great time. For you!

H may not even show up, then what? All your efforts are for not? Your volunteering doesn’t matter? Of course not! Your path is not about H, so don’t make it so.

At times we do act as if to override and influence/steer our emotions and reactions. This is fine and perfectly normal. And you might be surprised at how little you need to fake it.

I will mostly have to be surprised about the dog.
Question: Am I happily surprised or confused surprised? Thoughts?

Why surprised? I’m guessing you heard about the dog from sources you don’t want H to know about. I’d just pet the dog and say “Oh, it’s so cute” and leave it at that.

Happily surprised is fine. Confused surprised is not a good idea. It will project judgement and disapproval of H’s choice. After all, he is free to choose as he will. You are living your life forward and detached. Right?

Question: Any other suggestions for our run in? Do I engage? Ask how he's doing? Open the door at all?

If H attends. Be kind and cordial. As you would be to a bank teller or grocery store cashier.

Let him lead the pace of the conversation, if there is any. I’d keep your questions, and answers, to a minimum. Most definitely - no R talks.

Focus on you. On why you are there. The weekend long BIG charity town and surrounding area event. H is not the reason.

Hope the weekend goes great.

D