Thanks again everyone for the feedback and support.
I do have a question.
Without getting into too many details I believe my wife is suffering from mental health issues. (Sounds like I am making excuses). Last week she commented to me that 'i don't know what has happened to me - I use to be positive, had a good outlook on things....'. I, and friends would agree.
She suffered from postpartum depression.
She is also on antidepressants currently. Has been for many years.
Other concerns as well - hormone therapy etc
Part of me feels like I need to ask her to seek out help. But I have no idea how to bring it up or whether I should bring it up.
Feels like her move is an attempt to improve things (and it may I guess) but feels like she is running from having to deal with things.
Thanks again everyone for the feedback and support.
I do have a question.
Without getting into too many details I believe my wife is suffering from mental health issues. (Sounds like I am making excuses). Last week she commented to me that 'i don't know what has happened to me - I use to be positive, had a good outlook on things....'. I, and friends would agree.
She suffered from postpartum depression.
She is also on antidepressants currently. Has been for many years.
Other concerns as well - hormone therapy etc
Part of me feels like I need to ask her to seek out help. But I have no idea how to bring it up or whether I should bring it up.
Feels like her move is an attempt to improve things (and it may I guess) but feels like she is running from having to deal with things.
Yup - I could have written this post many years ago. Its all part of the script. And she is reading the book perfectly.
You didn't break her and YOU can't fix her. No pill or any other thing is going to magically change this.
Their is one cure - TIME
Go on living your life, sorry but you spouse is lost right now.
Maybe down the road you can attract her back again but not right now.
Part of me feels like I need to ask her to seek out help. But I have no idea how to bring it up or whether I should bring it up.
I’d not bring it up. Any suggestions or advice is likely to be interpreted by W as inference, manipulation, and such. She will work against the things you say.
Cadet is spot on: You didn’t break her, therefore you cannot fix her.
Time and space. She needs to walk her path.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
So my wife left Sunday night. No separation agreements discussed yet. She has shown up at the house everyday since then, sometimes for hours. The kids are with me so she is visiting but the kids are starting to get annoyed.
She also took the kids to see her new place. Apparently it is a one-bedroom house with two beds in the bedroom and she plans on sleeping on the couch. I do not love this scenario. My kids will be 13 in November. Boy and girl. They also do not like the arrangements. I told him they may need to tell her how they feel but I'm not sure if I should be adding my opinion
My feelings of frustration and slight anger have just collapsed into massive emotion. With sent a text asking if I was ok to drive my daughter to karate - a nothing text - I have been crying nonstop for 20min
It's too soon to tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing. If it's forever over or just a temporary split. You are just at the start of a process. Don't judge it or you or her too harshly. Don't analyze and awfulize this every minute of every day. It's too soon to tell what it all means and how it all ends.
2. Be the hero of your life story, not the victim of it.
That's up to you. No one can make you a victim without your permission. You don't need her to be the villain and you the victim. That doesn't help anyone, especially your children.
3. This women will always be the mother of your children.
Your children need to hear you speak kindly and lovingly of their mom. If you need to bash her and vent, do so when they are not around. They share her DNA. They don't want to feel they, too, are the bad guys.
4. Appoint yourself CEO of your joy.
It is no one else's job to make you happy. Period. Maybe she did for a while, maybe she never did. Doesn't matter. It's up to you to build a life of joy no matter what life hands you. See it through the eyes of gratitude. You can survive without her. You can't survive without you.
5. Create a 9-1-1 list of people to help.
Put their names and cell phone numbers on an index card you carry with you at all times. Ask them to be "on-call" to lend you an ear, a shoulder, a tissue, an old plate to break in an empty parking lot, the number for a good attorney. Create your own support Dream Team of the most positive people you know.
6. No playing bad home movies.
It's tempting to drift back in time and replay all the times she hurt you or loved you like crazy, which can make you feel crazy now. Stay present. Stay put in this day.
7. Pray for the serenity to accept the things you can't change.
If she had an affair, you can't change that. If she is in love with someone else, you can't change that. If she can't be talked out of the divorce, you can't change that. Acceptance means you align yourself with what is and start from there.
8. Breathe.
Just pause and breathe. Take a deep breathe and count slowly to six. Exhale slowly as you count to six. The slower you breathe, the more you will feel calm. Breathe in the love of God; breathe out the love of God. There is a place of peace inside of you -- find it. It is there. It's like the centerpiece in the snow globe. She shook your snow globe and all the pieces went flying, except for the core of you. No one -- no one -- has the power to shake that.
9. Nothing you want is upstream.
I love that line. Stop struggling. Stop swimming against the current. Stop forcing yourself on life and insisting it change. Turn and go with the flow. A God who loves you is in charge of this flow. Trust where the current is taking you. It's somewhere better. Trust me. Better yet, trust you.
10. The best is yet to come.
As good as she was, you deserve better. You deserve the best. If this relationship is truly over, then she must not have been the best. She was a dress rehearsal. Maybe she was a great appetizer or the salad course. But she wasn't the main dish. And she sure wasn't the dessert. The next relationship will be even more life enriching and life affirming. Tell the Universe, "I am ready for my perfect good." Include your children in that perfect good. Keep your heart wide open and be ready for it to fill up with even greater love.
Take care,
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
