First Post - Confusion

[Kind18]

100% Catman. That’s why this DB principles suggest marriage counselling after bomb drop is a waste of time.

I took my ex wife along begrudgingly to a qualified psychologist and revered marriage counsellor.

In session three, as ex wife screamed at me, counsellor stopped her mid session and separated her into another room, spoke to us separately, called us back in together and then 100% told my ex she was being abusive and she couldn’t yell, scream, point her finger or cross her arms and shake her head like a toddler.

As we left, ex wife says “She’s totally taking your side, I’m never going back there again.” And refused to go to any more appointments.

She then told her girlfriends “I tried everything to save my marriage, including counselling.”

She went to counseling because she wanted validation she should continue her affair and everything that had ever happened to her was my fault. Psychologist saw right through it, called her on it, and then ex flipped to victim state.

Unless both people, mutually, sit down and decide they want to save their marriage and get outside help, marriage counselling is a waste of time.

I think Crmnsrnn should cancel rather than try to force counselling.

“I’ve decided to cancel our marriage counselling as you don’t seem invested in it. I’ve decided to get some counselling just for me to work out how I want to move forward.”

[Crmnsrnn]

Thanks for the feedback in counseling. I suspected that it was futile. But grasping at this point.

I would just like to clarify that I should NOT be asking her when she is leaving? We spoke earlier in the week and she said that she would be leaving today. But there are no signs of it (8 am everyone still sleeping). I am to let her do her correct?

[Caligirl]

Say nothing . Go about your day .

[DnJ]

Good Morning Crmn

I’d let her be. Let her own her decision. Be it to go or to stay.

Be kind and cordial. Yet don’t walk on eggshells. Be busy.

D

[grok]

Falls under welcome thread sayings:

"Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise."

My STBXW has said a LOT of things and made a LOT of plans...oh so seriously...which never happened.

g

[Kind18]

Thanks for the feedback in counseling. I suspected that it was futile. But grasping at this point.

Completely understand why you’d be grasping. We all did it, so no judgement from me.

However, it leads to the following question:

Do you think a “grasping” man would be considered attractive to a woman?

Trying to beg her along to counselling when she’s already told you she wants out comes across as needy and pathetic.

“I’m going to see a counsellor by myself to discuss how I want to move forward positively with my life” comes across as decisive and strong.

Loss of attraction is a slow, burning death for a marriage.

How about “I cancelled the counselling. I’ve taken a week off and hired a Harley motorbike so I can’t go.”

DO NOT ask when she’s moving out. It makes you sound desperate.

[Crmnsrnn]

Hey all.

Wife left tonight. Kids are home with me.

We don't have a separation agreement in place or anything.

I will attempt to stay the course.

I appreciate all the feedback and support so far.

[Kind18]

You’ve got this Crmnsrnn 💪

It’s not much consolation, I know - but millions of people and families and kids have been where you are right now. It feels overwhelming, un-conquerable and final.

It’s not. You’re absolutely going to be alright, it just takes time.

It’s important to be around people at this time. Seek out the support of friends, family and work colleagues. Hell, ask your boss over for dinner.

And exercise. Get exercising. It will help your head more than anything else.

[grok]

Crmnsrnn,

It [censored]. Fear. Dread. I KNOW them. You can see them in my threads. It is a wrenching change.

My S12, D17, and D19 are home with me. My W left ... and stayed for weeks at a campground. We had no agreement.

Fixing your language changes your focus and thinking. Like looking where you want to go.

I will attempt to stay the course.

you've got this.

g

[DnJ]

Hello Crmn

Hang in there. You will be alright!

Yes, it’s going to feel terrible. Perfectly normal. Breathe. Grieve.

We know the shoes you are in. (((Hugs)))

Keep posting. Focus on you.

D