I empathize with how confusing this all is. Your marriage is going along, then kaboom. Pleading, begging, counselling, etc all to no avail. Realize it’s only sudden to you, W has likely been planning her exit for a while.
We all require a certain level of understanding, of rationalizing our situation before we can/will let go and detach. This takes time. And it’s a confusion time.
Originally Posted by Crmnsrnn
1. She went from full divorce with lawyers and buying her out of the house to no lawyer and let's not do anything with the house. I look at this as a positive, but maybe I shouldn't be. Surely it's better than full steam ahead?
It’s really hard to know which would be better. Full steam ahead, may have had her feel consequences for her choices sooner, feel the loss of you and family and such. A slow pace, her sticking around, being still involved, allows W to see your self improvements more. See you moving forward and living and loving your life.
Do realize any improvements to you, any changes, make them for you! That way those positive changes will be permanent. W will tend to see any/all positive changes as an attempt to manipulate her back in to the relationship. Thus, you aren’t doing them for her, do for you.
This leads to a some guidelines and advice:
Do not manipulate W’s path. Like the above, which is better? Her leaving or staying? None of us can see all ends, so it is impossible to know for sure. Hence, just respond to her choice/path. Allow her to journey as she must.
It’s a matter of control. What do you control? Only three things. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions. That’s it. You cannot control W’s path. And attempts to do so usually end up pushing the spouse away.
As to understanding why W changed her direction and speed. Perhaps, her L told her how much she’d likely lose enacting things as she was going to. Or perhaps something else. It matters not. She is having second thoughts, for whatever reason that may be. You only need to respond, not steer.
To that end, leave the heavy-lifting to W.
To be clear, if you need financial security and/or protection, get it! Otherwise, leave the heavy-lifting to the spouse who wants out. You don’t place boulders on her path, yet you don’t pave her road in gold either. She wants out, let her figure it out. You only control you. How you respond.
Originally Posted by Crmnsrnn
2. The fact that she told the kids 2 weeks ago and is still here is making me upset for obvious reasons. If you are going to put them through that then you need to be ready no follow through no? I have taken them aside to let them know that Mom might still be leaving and that she is just working out some stuff. A reminder she has stated that the house she has is ready at any time. (No idea how she is paying for it).
How she plans on bankrolling her new life and lifestyle is a question/concern. Do read her proposed agreement carefully, and have your L review it. Child support, mortgage, alimony, are all considerations which us LBS can be bamboozled on. Especially in the highly emotional state of freshly bomb dropped, and we’ve not been planning for months and months. An emotionally detached legal expert is an excellent pair of eyes to run things by.
Originally Posted by Crmnsrnn
3. Then there are the little, normally inconsequential statements in a normal scenario. For example last night she started talking about our streaming subscriptions and that we should consider the Netflix with ads tier. I responded sure and also made another suggestion and her response was that it needs to be a system the kids and I can use without having to come get you. WTF? Are you leaving or not? Cause if you are leaving the streaming services at my house should mean nothing to you. I'm sure this point is nothing - but still a strange direction for the conversation.
Yes, stuff like this is crazy-making. W is acting and walking around like normal. And she’s stated she wants out, is leaving, etc.
Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do.
Look to her actions, more than her words. W’s emotions are all over the place too. Sad, angry, unhappy, excited, eager, etc. Focus on you. Let go. Go dim.
As Caligirl brought up. Affair. It is likely W is seeing someone. Most LBS would and do swear there is no one, and end up discovering an AP. Very very few leaving spouse are going on their own solo.
It is staggering how many spouses are embroiled in an affair. Martial problems never get better by bring a third person into the mix. Do realize, an affair means nothing. It is a band-aid, a symptom. It is indicative of a deep problem within W. Which has very little to do with you. Regardless of what W may or may not say.
Be it an emotional affair (EA), a physical affair (PA), or none, time will tell.
Hang in there man. Focus on you and the kids. Keep moving forward.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
