Welcome to the boards. I’m sorry you found yourself in this situation.
Below, I’ll paste a copy of Cadet’s welcome thread for your reference. There are many links to a trove of useful information.
Have you read Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis? I highly recommend it.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I totally agree with Wonka. Do keep the book, this website, other DB sources, close to your vest. W is not on team Crmn at the present moment.
There are many kind and compassionate posters here with much hard-earned wisdom. A lot of the advice and suggestion you will receive will be counterintuitive (at first). It will sound wrong. It will seem like the incorrect way of behaving. We are programmed to react and grab and run after, when things are being unwillingly pulled away from us. One of everyone’s first and biggest battles is getting a handle on themselves.
Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself. Detachment is when words and behaviours from your W don’t uncontrollably drag your emotions around. It takes time. So be patient and gentle on yourself.
W appears very serious. A trial separation agreement, and her moving out in two days. Therefore, some of that counterintuitive important suggestions/advice for you:
Do not sign anything! Get a lawyer! I know you and her make similar income. However, joint assets, custody, pension, and so on. There are plenty of items that can have far reaching ramifications. Have legal guidance.
Speaking with a L doesn’t mean you are wanting a divorce. It is simply gathering information. Gathering your rights and entitlements. What can be waived, what cannot. How custody would work. What would/could happen with the house. And so on.
None of that need be acted upon. It is being fore-armed. Being prepared. W’s already dropped one bomb.
Time and space. Give W plenty of both.
W is upset, angry, mad, sad, unhappy, and such. And, to her, you are target number one of why. Right or not, she has painted a target on you. It’s how she feels. And she will pull together all kinds of past things, heck even make up things, to justify her choice(s). Do not feed on her narrative. Detach. Go dim/dark.
Dim/dark is the level of communication with her. This is not a magical tactic, as there are no magic answers. Dim/dark is for you. For your metal and emotional health and well-being. Limit conversing with W.
Also, employ the 24-48 rule. Unless an emergency, and I mean a real emergency, give yourself 24-48 hours before responding to W’s texts, calls, inquiries, etc. Two days for your emotions to settle so you can respond more logically and rationally. Even to seek advice before responding.
Focus on you and the twins. Get a life (GAL). Those truly are worthy. This is not a sprint, this is a marathon.
Be patient. You’ve got the gift of time. Use it wisely.
W needs to burn through her feelings. She feels a narrative that’s got some new shinny life. She needs to feel the loss before her emotions may change. That takes time. That takes space. You focus on you, GAL, live, and move forward. Leave her to her path. Drop the rope, or be dragged.
Marriage counselling. W likely agreed to it so she can utilize it as reasoning for her decision. I realize you have talked her into it. If you have no appointments yet, I’d not push. Let her take the lead.
I know, it feels wrong. Do realize, pressure will just push her away. Time and space are your allies.
I’ll stop here for today. Do keep posting. It really does/will help.
I look forward to conversing with you.
D
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
