I left today with the kids . Last I heard was he was moving while I am gone . So random bed stuff will be non existent. I made boundaries clear . When you leave you are not coming into home at random . You have your space I have mine . Last night I decided to just sit out alone on the hill behind our home . Random check from him . Circled round me . Seeing if I would talk or engage . Did not . Continued to enjoy my time outside reading . After time of just doing my thing at home . He asked to go out to the mountains out west here and just talk about anything but our relationship . I agreed . This is what we had been doing for the last few months after the affair ended UN known to me but suspicious-until the random bomb drop from OW. Started dating each other again . He’s definitely doing checks on my behavior and reactions . Apologized for yelling earlier in the week . I just said ok . I’m all over the place here . How do you handle the invites to do things ??? When hours before he’s saying he’s leaving and can’t do this ? Obviously rope was not dropped
Caligirl,
First off. I'm sorry you are back here. I know what it feels like when you thought you made progress only to be hit with another long term lie. For me - it left me shattered. I no longer realized who I was or why I was still doing the same thing - expecting different results.
Most of us won't drop the rope until our hands have experienced so much rope burn... it's too painful to hold it anymore. None of us on the board can tell you when that it will be for YOU, only that it will come in time.
It's also an act you will do over and over again. Dropping the rope isn't a one and done deal.
From the bleacher seats - it seems like you have two options. You can either continue to be all over the place because your are participating in your H's rollercoaster ride. Or you can choose to place some boundaries on yourself and not participate.
Boundaries on yourself would be to not engage with him. When he asks to go for walks - your response "no thank you". Create as much emotional distance as you can. Physical as well. He has fired you as his w. You are no longer responsible for his well being. None of this is communicated to him btw - this is all done in actions.
I'm going to be honest - this will also feel painful. In fact - it feels awful.To say "this is how I expect to be treated" and watch the other person throw tantrums, push boundaries, and ultimately make the choice not to treat you that way...svcks. But this pain is temporary. And although unlike the first which will continue to tear apart your self-worth... the second option will eventually help you get it back.
You are a prize and are worthy of respect and love. The journey begins with you. The more you can treat yourself in those ways... the better you will feel. The better you feel, the more confident you can be to demand it from others.
Those who don't guard your heart - don't deserve it. This can become your truth - one small step at a time.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
