I need help now that he is coming home

[MamaG]

Hi jessieht! I am new to your situation but just reading your last update, I could have written so much of it myself. I'm sorry you're STILL in this hot mess and healing.

I wish I had come across this site earlier in the process and would strongly agree with your advice to newcomers: detach. It is SO hard at first and if you're learning about MLC months after BD, do all you can to detach and implement 180s for you. I remember listening and felt like I wasn't strong enough to detach. You mentioned that your BD is coming upon the 2-year mark. I'm roughly 5 months behind you in timeline.

Newcomers, it isn't coincidence that LBS scenarios feel and sound so similar. Trust us and detach from your MLCer. MLCer is hurting and needs space and time to grow up. Hugs to all.

At one point I am glad i did because he can never say I didn't try and fight for our marriage but I also wore my self thin. next week is our 2 year anniversary from bd and the next day is our 9 year wedding anniversary.

Yup!

I have bulled back majorly and it has been longer than I have ever been able to keep that up and I can tell he notices. but for the first time it isn't a tactic to try and get him to come closer. This time it is honestly just not even worrying if it works out of not.

Yup. Great shift! I'm so glad that you're no longer cycling with him. My cycling is more about my own emotions for my healing. I still cycle. I've had many thoughts that I can move on without him and then I second guess. Sounds like you've moved beyond the second guessing. Happy for you. You sound like a good mom and a strong person. You will be better - with or without him.

I still stand by that I regret letting him sneak home just as he was on his way down. I think that cushioned his fall to rock bottom. He has made some strides and he has had a month or so where i could here him cry a lot at night. He has also had a few bouts where he was monstering so bad that he was in full on breakdown mode.

Don't be so hard on yourself. H moved out - did you really know what stage he was in? Vets tell us that we don't know their current stage other than in hindsight. I imagine this is why you now know that he was approaching rock bottom.

As far as I can tell (minimal exposure to H since May), my MLCer is hovering above rock bottom. Long hours at work amongst other replay activities are keeping him from hitting hard. I feel bad for this but I pray everyday that today's the day H hits. Never thought I'd think this way.

I still worry about suicide some days but I cant do anything to help that if he wont talk or get help. I am hoping my detachment isn't just a cycle for me but if it is I will try again.

Yup, again. My H even lets D know that he's considered it but made it through. She no longer reacts to it. Still, I wonder....

the pursuit and running dance is just to exhausting so I am trying not to look into the good times to anything more than just a cycle.

Yup, thrice.

but a few weeks ago after an argument he did come and hug me and apologize and told me he realizes he has only been focussing on anything negative of me and he does car and appreciate me. for the first time in a while he sounded sincere.

This right here is a sign of progress through the tunnel. This I long for. See it as a sign and continue GALing. I understand (and you're confirming) that it's a marathon.

Hugs and prayers to you. I'll look for your update if you stay connected here.