I am sorry you find yourself here for another spell. I’ll paste Cadet’s welcoming post below for reference to some helpful links and tips.
It certainly appears like H did very little internal work, more utilizing external sources to try to fix his unhappiness. That misguided effort, at best, is only short term as one’s unreconciled demons just grow in strength and eventually become too much.
Yes, presently, H is a train wreck. And you know the drill. Give lots of time and space. Focus on you and the kids. GAL.
H has quite a heap of turmoil, lies, actions, etc. to atone for and heal from. Not the typical bomb drop. I suspect the random letter came from OW’s H or significant other. Maybe even her kid(s) or other family/friend(s). It matters not. The cat is out of the bag and H hung on to the lie right until the pictures.
He’s going to have a whole lot of emotions swimming around and likely will lash out at you in much misdirected guilt and shame and anger and justification. Don’t take the bait. Don’t rise up. H’s narrative is just that, a narrative - you know better. Have good strong boundaries on disrespect and “leave the room” when he cross the line.
For right now, breathe. Just breathe. I know the rug was suddenly yanked out from under you. Give yourself time to regain your balance and center.
H is planning on moving out in a few days. This is ok. He has a dark and confusing path ahead of him. And his statement about needing to learn how to live alone is actually pretty true. He needs to grow up and face responsibility and accountability.
Let the dust settle a bit before deciding anything. Let go. Find detachment. You’ve got the gift of time, use it wisely.
Originally Posted by Caligirl
I was honest with him and said I know u have been cheating for years but I ignored it.
Not a great recipe for a relationship, IMHO.
Something to consider, and it is a bit far reaching for right after BD though this is BD2, do not let him move back in too soon. At least 12 months of no OW. Absolutely no contact, or the clock resets. That’s the level of commitment and healing H needs, and you deserve. Like I said, a ways in the future. I only mention it for a mindset/direct for you. To illustrate the timelines involved. That gift of time stuff.
Anyhow, today, breathe. Know you are not alone. (((Hugs)))
I hope to converse more with you.
Be strong.
D
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
