I ill say that for the newcomers to this stuff it is true that we can listen all we want but we will not truly ready and in the spot of detachment. it was almost like a compulsion for me. I finally hit the place where i can see that I could try till I was blue in the face an it only backed him up further. Not to say that he would be out of this by now if I hadn't done those thing but it just used a bunch of my energy that could have gone to other things.

At one point I am glad i did because he can never say I didn't try and fight for our marriage but I also wore my self thin. next week is our 2 year anniversary from bd and the next day is our 9 year wedding anniversary. I have bulled back majorly and it has been longer than I have ever been able to keep that up and I can tell he notices. but for the first time it isn't a tactic to try and get him to come closer. This time it is honestly just not even worrying if it works out of not. He will be home for a year next month. i know it is said on here a lot that it takes MLCers 12-18 months after coming home to actually decide if they even want to stay. I was impatient but at this point it just is what it is. he will either wake up or I will decide to move on.

I still stand by that I regret letting him sneak home just as he was on his way down. I think that cushioned his fall to rock bottom. He has made some strides and he has had a month or so where i could here him cry a lot at night. He has also had a few bouts where he was monstering so bad that he was in full on breakdown mode. I still worry about suicide some days but I cant do anything to help that if he wont talk or get help. I am hoping my detachment isn't just a cycle for me but if it is I will try again.

I will give him the credit that he has continued to get better dealing with our kids. He also made a pretty good effort (for how he is right now) on my Birthday, as well as mothers day. the pursuit and running dance is just to exhausting so I am trying not to look into the good times to anything more than just a cycle. but a few weeks ago after an argument he did come and hug me and apologize and told me he realizes he has only been focussing on anything negative of me and he does car and appreciate me. for the first time in a while he sounded sincere.

thank you all for the support and advise from here. I am doing much better at focussing on my my own work and starting some new things and picking up some old stuff that I had dropped since bd. I think all and all I can see some sort of silver lining to this mess. and while I wish it never happened I can make it worth it in the end for myself and kids.