Just sometimes wonder how he doesn't see that he's been needing things for 6 weeks and still hasn't gotten them...I would think H realizes that there is another reason for outreaches. When will he see this?
He sees things much differently than you.
Can you expand on this comment? I believe H sees things differently but what did you mean by 'differently'? What are possibilities of 'different' so I can better understand your thought?
A quote within a quote within a quote. For some reason I feel like watching Inception today. LOL.
H is driven by emotions. Basically depression. His behaviours, his “running” behaviours are him both, trying to outrun his feelings and to actually feel something, to feel alive. H is tormented, and numb. Almost dead inside while simultaneously consumed by emotions. It’s little wonder they are overwhelmed.
We all see, interpret, the world through our own lens. And our own position, distance, vantage point. You have a much different view of H’s crisis than he does.
You see H’s MLC rationally and have an understanding of the journey. The overall why of it. Why it is happening. Your vantage point allows a much different perspective than H can see.
H is driven by his emotions. He sees and interprets his world emotionally. Emotionally, that’s the “why” my XW could and did through away her own children.
Both H’s and your views are valid and true. The same truth, just different keyholes/lens looking upon the world.
Anyhow, differences and possibilities. H says he needs his things. Yet, seven weeks go by. So not needs, more wants. You think H would realize this. That’s your perspective of course.
Depression. H may indeed need his things. However, depression is dark and consuming. Oh, it can twist and bring down a soul.
My own slog through depression after BD was deep. Life just went grey. Nothing had any joy. Nothing had any urgency. If fact, an especially regrettable fact, there was such a lack of urgency or timeliness, I just keep putting off ordering my daughter’s graduation pictures. So much, that they expired. As such, I/we do not have her graduations pictures. Depression is no joke.
Bills got forgot. Grocery shopping was not important. Etc. Very difficult time. Lots of brooding and suffering.
So, H’s clothes and stuff are importantly and not. He needs them, like I needed to pay the electric bill, and yet doesn’t get them.
Now, a crisis is also running from feelings and trying to feel. H also is seeing if you are still sitting on the shelf, waiting and pinning for him. He will manipulate as well. Push as far as he can, just to see how far he can. He will test boundaries. He will try to keep you on the hook.
He will also ignore. Be super secretive and not share his whereabouts or what he is doing or has done.
MLCers exhibit some strange behaviours. Some will keep bits of wrapping paper and string from gifts from us, yet toss us aside. Make arrangements over and over to pick stuff up and never come. My XW’s belongings eventually just got thrown into the garbage. (The wedding dress story is pretty comical.)
And then, there is the drinking, smoking, drugs, fast cars, etc. Trying to relive what they feel is a missed youth. That teenager mentality. Indestructible, will live forever, and will put things off.
Quite a hodgepodge of feelings and behaviours, and numbness and brooding. Some purposeful, most not, most just due to how they feel at that moment.
H makes arrangements because he feels like it in that moment. Later he feels differently. Scared to face you. Ashamed. Or bored, indifferent, guilty, angry, sad, numb.
Depression is ever present. And colors his world a dark grey. Difficult to see anything but grey in a grey world.
Like I said, H sees things much differently than you. His behaviours will have little rationale to them.
Daughter’s response to Dad was good. Very level-headed and emotionally calm. H might just hear her. Although, he is more likely to run from such pressures/control as “seek a therapist”. Time will tell.
It sounds like D21 considering her responses well. After a year, I’d suspect she’s reasonable worked out Dad’s reactions and responses to her conversations. Worked out, and working out, their relationship.
When daughter comes to you - like she did regarding her path about Dad’s suicidal thoughts - validate, reinforce, and gently steer. I’m sure you told her how proud you are of her and how she handled it. I’d add on some knowledge / wisdom of how folks embroiled in emotional turmoil react to too much pressure. Just something for her information, for her to gauge her path is all. And tell her that. You are not trying to alter or control her path, she’s doing really well. Just another tool for the toolbox is all.
Have a great day MG!
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
