MLC Hubby wants to move out

[mamabird]

I love this:

Secondly, for you, it’s not about putting your anger aside. It’s about working through it. Finding your acceptance of what’s transpired.

With time, I'll get there. This is all so new. H hasn't even moved out yet! But this is a great ideal to work toward.

@MamaG:

H definitely felt the need to leave and live by himself. It almost felt like he had to prove that he could handle living alone, paying his own way, taking care of himself, etc. I imagine you (like I) married in young 20s. My H didn't have much of a dating experience.

Well -H and I got married in our early 30's. Started dating when we were 28. So, he did have some experience living alone, but he wasn't exactly thriving. He didn't cook, barely did laundry and we literally left his furniture on the sidewalk when we moved in together. He was living the bachelor lifestyle. As far as dating, he dated some but nothing very serious. And most importantly - his credit was bad. He made some financial mistakes and then didn't really have to work on correcting them because I came along and handled it. But yes, I definitely feel like our sitches are VERY similar. Calgon take me away!!!

That said, H got a car today. I think I mentioned on here that he was considering a lease and I talked him down to buying a used car. Just to say, he got a BMW so it's not exactly a jalopy. Also, currently, we share one nice car and then my sons have their car which is fine but not good enough for H!

Anyway, H went to buy this car and he calls me from the dealership and says, "The down payment and monthly payment are exactly the same on the lease for the 2024 car as they are for the purchase of the 2021 car." Now. H has a habit of "running things by me" and then completely ignoring what I tell him. But today he said he called me to "run it by me" because he wants to make sure I'm comfortable.

He starts arguing hard for the lease. I say, I know you want the newer car, but please think about what happens if and when you decide to return to the household. We can't afford another car payment right now and you cannot get out of this lease. (BMW does not let you sell a lease to a third party like CarMax.) If you buy a car, you can sell it if you need to. Then I say, I'm adamant that you do not return the the household with any additional debt. I also said, the more things get complicated, the harder it will be to fix things in the future. I was really calm and I didn't get upset.

He says, well, I'm supposed to be getting extra work and I think the company will raise more money, etc. etc. and I really want my own car and I'm committed to making sure we can afford it. He says, if and when I come back, I don't want to drive the boys' car and I don't want to have to drive you to the subway or schedule my surfing around your work schedule.

I say, I have heard all of this before and this is the reason we are in the financial position we are in (high earner but a lot of debt). Because we spent money we didn't have, time and time again. I said I'm not doing that anymore.

Then I say, why don't you buy the used car and if and when you do get extra work or extra money then you can sell the car and lease another car. If you don't get extra money and you have to sell the car then I will drive the boys' car to work so you can go surfing whenever you want. (Entitled much??? I mean, must be nice just going surfing while the rest of us work. And, aren't husbands supposed to let their wives drive the nice car??? ) My commute is 20 minutes and I go there 3 days a week so it's not exactly a sacrifice. And their car is fine, it's just basic.

He says he's heard me. I make him repeat back to me what he thinks I'm saying. He does it - and then he gets to hear himself make a logical rationale. He says he'll think about what to do.

He buys the used car!! I tell him I really appreciate him doing that.

I feel like I have a small win here. Sure, he's still moving out and spending his retirement money on a BMW, but at least he can sell it. He has an out. He listened to me and took the slightly less desirable option for the sake of the relationship.

As soon as he got home he turned around and took the boys to play golf. It's ok, S20 is here for another week and S18 will be here for another month. Time is short and they are having fun. I'm all for it. H will have to do his laundry when he gets around to it.