Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[MamaG]

RegretfulLA and DnJ thanks for stopping by to share and comment. I love to hear from you and our community.

RegretfulLA, Congratulations on your cancer-free success. Prayers for all who face cancer! Happy to hear it's been 18 years for you.

I feel like our situations are so similar - our H's are so similar - though you're much farther down the separation path, and I read your blog here for advice and support (my H will be moving out soon). I think you're doing an amazing job of handling this horrific situation. But look at you - you've learned to survive and thrive on your own, you've learned to stand up for yourself with H and you've learned to fix things too!!

Everyone's situation is different and yet, so identical. Learning from others and hearing that there is someone else out there in a similar sitch, is validating on some level. There are times that validation is what I need. So, thank you for helping me along my journey, too!

You are doing really good. And yes, drop the rope or be dragged.

Limboland is quite the crucible. It’s not forever. And Limboland is choice as well. Embrace it. Keep doing that inner work. You’ll emerge from the crucible version 2.0; bright and shiny like the precious gem you are.

Today, is a particularly hard day for me. I went away with my brother for most of the week. This would never have happened if H hadn't stepped away from our R. Doing things with others is a positive change for me. Brother has been supportive. I don't lean on him to understand my sitch but in his own way, he offers support through companionship and adventure. Our time away was nice. We laughed and bonded. We frustrated each other. I got triggered, as he did. Eye-opening as I reflect on who I am and who I'd like to be. At times, vaca felt like a distraction and going through the motions. Watching couples behave 'normal' through romantic sight-seeing spots, at the airport, in restaurants...everywhere...with love in their eyes was difficult at times. Memories...I was happy for them and reminiscing at the same time. As we traveled, there were many reminders of what H would do for me as a traveling companion. I'm still hurting and healing. Sigh.

In hindsight, I did all I could to not shed tears, and I found myself burying my feelings to enjoy the week. Didn't want Brother to have bad feelings. It was such pressure. Yes, pressure. It reminded me of stories on this site to explain how MLCers feel - pressure from everyone and everything. I better understand what pressure may feel/look like. Coming home this morning allowed me to let it all out. I held a pity party with my two dogs. And then, I turned to this site and re-read my thread. Yup, more tears coupled with strength to carry on as I face reality.

Not once did H ask how I was feeling or offer to do anything helpful. Well, once, he did offer to refill my water and then left it downstairs. It's such a bad feeling when they can see that you are hurting and they just turn away. Do we feel worse for ourselves or worse for THEM to be in such a state?

RegretfulLA, you ask, "do we feel worst for ourselves or ....THEM..." I don't know. In my pity party today, I got mad at H for 'doing this to me', for being selfish, for not being there for me, for taking away from summer joys, for texting me about the same thing over months and DOING nothing, for not texting, for leaving me alone with a large home to tend to. The list goes on and on. It was quite a party. Mom called in the middle of this party. I convinced myself that I could compartmentalize my 'party' feelings and that I could answer her. Nope. I now need to apologize to mom. Sigh.

Today, I feel worst for me. Tomorrow is another day. It'll be a better day. Tomorrow is dad's bday so I'll be surrounded by family and celebrating someone who has always shown strength. As DnJ reminds me, I just need to get through today and do the inner work. I'll gain something from today's feelings.

Keep doing that inner work. You’ll emerge from the crucible version 2.0; bright and shiny like the precious gem you are.

DnJ - glad you aren't bored with the dance as I continue to step through it. Sunday night came the text about coming Monday. I told him that this week was a crazy one and then suggested Saturday. H responded that he may work on Saturday. In my head, I responded with, 'You used to work 3 or 4 days a week. Now you HAVE to work 6 days.' I then returned to my vacation thoughts and provided no response. Here we are Saturday and no additional text nor visit. Yup, now at 7 weeks...

Just sometimes wonder how he doesn't see that he's been needing things for 6 weeks and still hasn't gotten them...I would think H realizes that there is another reason for outreaches. When will he see this?

He sees things much differently than you.

Can you expand on this comment? I believe H sees things differently but what did you mean by 'differently'? What are possibilities of 'different' so I can better understand your thought?

Listen and give yourself time to mull over what he has said. Don’t want to water down his talk. If he indeed wants to talk.

Yup! Makes sense. At this point, I wonder if H will ever come by...today's not looking good as I've still not heard from him despite me offering today (Saturday).

DnJ - thanks for all the insight on transition versus crisis. Good refresher and appreciate your grounding comments. Still praying for a transition.

An update on D & H's situation... While I was on vaca, D called me with relief that she finally decided how to respond to dad. It had been a week since H texted her that he was having suicidal thoughts. She never took the threat seriously, so she decided to think through her response. I was proud that she allowed herself the time she needed so as to not react. Rather, she responded with what I see as a truth dart. In short, D reminded H that it had been nearly a year (since BD2 and she learned about H's wish to divorce) and he doesn't appear to be happier nor act any differently. She then suggested that it is time to seek a therapist. All the while, she ignored his effort to coerce her into a response to his manipulation/control attempts. I'm not sure if she KNOWS what she's doing but D's responses appear to be following advice shared here. That is, delayed responses, truth darts, not emotionally based reactions, short responses, non-engaging. I promise, D is having a hard time with all of this but from H's perspective, I'd like to think that he begins to see that she has it all together and he's missing out on who once was so much of his world. I'm not sure how I feel about her insisting on seeking a therapist as this has been her constant message to him. He may see it as controlling....and we know MLCers like to be in control. Time will tell, won't it?