MLC Hubby wants to move out

[DnJ]

Good Morning R

You are correct, less negative energy and strife is a gift. It’s sometimes difficult to see while slogging one’s way through the bog.

I don't plan on interacting with him much during this time. When I told my dad what was happening, he said, "Make sure you stay in contact and go on dates." NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

LOL!

Yes, NOOOOOO.

You are spot on. H absolutely needs time and space. And no pressure. He is a hot mess and it’s going to take a while for him to figure himself out.

H is gonna do what he is gonna do

Yep. And let him own it.

Be dim and let go. H will be trying to paint a target upon you; you know justifications and such for his narrative. Staying out his path gives him far less ammo.

I need him to hear me and understand me and somehow have to figure out how to make that happen sans anger. If I do decide that I want to make this M work, it will be up to me to put aside that anger.

A couple of things from someone who has been there.

Firstly, let go your need for H to hear you. To understand your position. H is presently not capable and doesn’t want to. He will fight against it. H cannot/will not see it. He is consumed.

H is driven by emotions. Fleeting, ever-changing emotions. As such, his “reasoning” for doing what he does flits about.

One will have zero success trying to utilize rational logical reasoning with someone in crisis. The MLCer may hear you, yet they “must” run from their torment. Remember, H’s crisis has nothing to do with you. You didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him. No matter what you say, or how nicely or angrily you say it.

We cannot speed up a crisis. At best, our efforts would end up being neutral. Usually our efforts end up prolonging things. At worst one’s efforts stall the MLCer’s journey.

Secondly, for you, it’s not about putting your anger aside. It’s about working through it. Finding your acceptance of what’s transpired.

What I mean, using myself as example: My anger, my emotions, are mine. Own them. Take accountability for them. If seeing XW and OM together makes me angry, figure out why?

If I chose to just set my anger aside until they broke up, continuing being triggered by the couple, I’d have been angry for seven years now. My emotions come from me, from internal; not from others, from external. External triggers feelings. The feelings itself is manifested be self, and therefore influenceable by self.

XW and OM being together or not, does not control my emotional state.

We take ownership and accountability. My anger is mine. So to, my joy and happiness! My contentment and peace is not contingent upon the external behaviours of my XW or anyone else. It comes from within. It is me.

Find your peace. Find your acceptance. Find your joy and forgiveness. And you won’t be carrying around any anger to set aside.

D