I got nervous, excited, anxious, confused. Woah the emotions. After collecting myself, I read through some notes I've written and told myself that I won't talk nor fill in the dead air. I'm going to listen and validate. I knew this would be hard but I was determined as I knew this to be the recommendation from vets. Didn't sleep much that night.
Well done re-establishing your center and balance. Really like the determination to not fill in the dead air times.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Sunday came and went and I rec'd no text about coming by. Perhaps H just continued to avoid, was scared/fear, emotions from being at game set him back.... Who knows?
Yep, who knows?
Interestingly, H likely doesn’t know either.
His path is driven by his feelings. Something stirred, and he avoided or ran or forgot. These folks do seem to have the attention span of a gnat. Their direction/heading flitting about like their feelings flit about.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Tuesday comes and another text comes in - this is now 6 weeks of texting about the same topic. Not sure if you're all bored with this but I am flabbergasted. I know all too well that this isn't about getting his stuff - thanks DnJ for confirming the dance.
It’s kind of wild isn’t it? And no, not bored at all.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Just sometimes wonder how he doesn't see that he's been needing things for 6 weeks and still hasn't gotten them...I would think H realizes that there is another reason for outreaches. When will he see this?
He sees things much differently than you.
Remember, words vs actions. And even then, only like half of his actions.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Limboland is lonely and hard despite going to work and GALing to stay busy. Hard as it may be, I continue to let go and I'm pretty sure I've dropped the rope - still learning and grieving. Sometimes reluctantly. Logic from vets tells me to keep going and so I do.
You are doing really good. And yes, drop the rope or be dragged.
Limboland is quite the crucible. It’s not forever. And Limboland is choice as well. Embrace it. Keep doing that inner work. You’ll emerge from the crucible version 2.0; bright and shiny like the precious gem you are.
Originally Posted by MamaG
How would vets feel about me providing an 'apology dump' within his talk? Meaning, I apologize for my side of the street with no expectations from him. Wonder if that would contribute to H seeing that I've reflected and made some changes; seeing that therapy helps; acknowledging that I really am a better/different person and not so scary to connect with....
I’d not dump. Certainly, apologize when warranted. Some may be warranted during the talk, maybe days later. Listen and give yourself time to mull over what he has said. Don’t want to water down his talk. If he indeed wants to talk.
As to getting H to see the new and improved you. You can only lead a horse to water. Your best way is to demonstrate it. Actions vs words. You live it. And leave/let H notice when he does. Remember, H has built up a whole narrative in his head. It will take time for him to alter that.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I'm still hoping this is a horrible transition and not crisis. How do I distinguish?
Time.
From the front end it is near impossible to distinguish. A crisis being a transition gone very much into the weeds.
Basically, a crisis is just worse all around. A crisis lasts longer. Much longer. And progresses glacially slow.
A crisis is consuming. A MLCer is lost. A very lost soul.
Two major hallmarks of a midlife crisis are depression and confusion. The exhibited running behaviour is the desperate person trying to get away from their unrealized unexplained inner torment.
Desperate! Desperate people do desperate things.
Hurt! Hurt people, hurt people.
A crisis is truly horrible. Emotions and torment cranked to eleven, and even passed that.
We all go through various life stages. The midlife transition is a time of recollection, recognizing, reconciling, life’s accolades and regrets; achievements and failures; and such. A transition itself can be tumultuous full of disorder and chaos or more smooth depending upon the individuals past, personality, ability to accept, and a host of other variables. My own transition was rather smooth methinks.
Exiting into the next stage of life can take various paths too, depending upon one’s life to that point.
Myself, I found, I am, happy with my past marriage, my kids, my career, my life. Such leads to a time of peace and contentment, IMHO. I’ve accumulated very few regrets over my years.
Some exit or find their golden years less golden. Such an exit being more of resigned to their lot in life, rather than looking forward to it. We’ve all seen those grumpy people grumbling away. Eyes and outlook more downcast than upward and forward looking.
Midlife, like all transitions, is about acceptance. It’s a loss. One must grieve it. One must find their acceptance with it. No one gets a do-over here, and those that cannot find peace with that, get caught and tangled in the transition. Desperately trying to relive what they feel is their lost youth/life. A bad transition may buy the red sport car, a horrible crisis will burn down their entire life.
Each is seeking their path towards acceptance.
Time.
A MLT builds upon one’s successful life stages thus far. A MLC is seeded from long ago unknown trauma(s). A lot more growing up to do in a crisis.
Time.
Transitions take time.
A crisis takes much more time. And some never exit.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
