MLC Hubby wants to move out

[DnJ]

Good Morning R

(((Hugs))) it sounds like the conversation went reasonably smooth.

H is certainly deflecting and looking elsewhere to blame his unhappiness. Pretty typical for folks in such emotional turmoil/crisis.

With time and space, and with some good fortune, hopefully H will burn through his feelings of resentment and blame and projecting and such. Then with even more good fortune, he may even realize that “hey, R hasn’t been bugging me lately and I’m still unhappy. Hmmm, perhaps she and the house aren’t the cause after all.” And with even more good fortune, he won’t just run towards something else and actually decide to look inward towards the true root of his turmoil and unhappiness.

H has perceived that I've never been happy with HIM because "I'm always telling him to do something differently." I am not sure how he expects me to communicate my wants and needs if I don't tell him. It's so immature. I have very serious doubts that he can overcome his low self esteem issues, especially if he is not getting the right help.

Counterintuitively, now is the time to cease trying to help him. And definitely no more telling him to do something differently. Let him go. Give him to God.

Yes, H is immature. He will and is acting, behaving, and making decisions based upon his feelings. There will be little based upon rational well thought out and reasoned logic.

I understand and empathize with your doubts regarding H’s ability to overcome the various and significant challenges facing him. However, I do believe crisis folks can overcome them. It’s a matter of how much time they require.

This is H journey and you, thankfully, weren’t invite along for the ride. As best you can, let go the doubts of H and focus on you and your life and your boys. Live in your present and leave the future to unfurl as it will.

Also, during this conversation with the boys H said "I love your mother and want the best for her" and afterwards I finally got to say to him "I know you think you do."

I get the need to correct and point out to H his folly in reasoning or feeling or thinking. Realize he sees things very much different than you. Going forward, especially into these new living arrangements, you’re likely going to need to drink lots of STFU smoothies. H will not, heck even purposefully not, take your well intentioned meaning. He will feel attacked, and not heard. Validating his feelings/viewpoint doesn’t mean you have to agree with it. It’s just allowing him to feel as he does and letting him know he is heard.

A simple thank you in the above would likely have served you better. You know, letting H walk his path, letting go, and such. Also, a H feeling that he wants what is best for you would be better than an angry and confrontational H during negotiation and/or splitting up stuff, informal or formal that process may be.

As H starts to feel what he has lost/given up he will likely crank up blaming and baiting. Don’t take the bait. Be dim. No arguing. Just validate if/when necessary. BTW, agreeing can really take the wind out of their sails. If H is arguing the sky is red instead of blue, so what. Let him feel he is right or whatever he feels.

Anyhow, I think you know the drill. Just encouraging is all. Keep moving forward.

D