Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[RegretfulLA]

Hi Mama,
CONGRATULATIONS on being cancer-free! I have been a survivor for 18 years. May you stay cancer free and never have to think about it again!

I feel like our situations are so similar - our H's are so similar - though you're much farther down the separation path, and I read your blog here for advice and support (my H will be moving out soon). I think you're doing an amazing job of handling this horrific situation. But look at you - you've learned to survive and thrive on your own, you've learned to stand up for yourself with H and you've learned to fix things too!!

I empathize with your feelings around H's texts. I also am tempted to "read in" to anything that H says or does. This morning H left early to go surfing and left me a note. This is unusual behavior from him - he normally just leaves. Last week I had a business trip to Chicago and he texted me to say "How is Chicago?" (not "how are YOU" but it was something. I replied with photos and that was it). It is a sad state of affairs that we have had to reduce our expectations to zero and any sort of normal communication becomes something to think about.

I also wanted to share a similar experience around being sick - around your bandaged arms. Of course we would want and expect H to ask what happened, to show concern, to help. I recently came down with the flu or something like it and was sick in bed for 2 days. Not once did H ask how I was feeling or offer to do anything helpful. Well, once, he did offer to refill my water and then left it downstairs. It's such a bad feeling when they can see that you are hurting and they just turn away. Do we feel worse for ourselves or worse for THEM to be in such a state?

I found it interesting that H chose to text you and D when he was sick... looking for a bit of sympathy... Good for you for not taking the bait. He needs to feel the reality of his choices. He has given up the rights to get any sort of sympathy or help from you. I am getting better at simply sitting back, shrugging, and saying nothing and I find that helps me feel better too.

Keep posting - I find that it helps to work things out in a safe space. Each day you are getting stronger. You have the love and support of your children, friends and family. Continue on your path - you are learning how to manage this situation and I am learning from your experience too.