MLC Hubby wants to move out

[mamabird]

Last night we told S18 and S20 that H would be moving out. Actually, I made H tell them and made sure they understood that this is H's decision. Of course they were sad and a little surprised... it's got to be devastating news for them, even if nothing is permanent at the moment. Of course we made sure to tell them that we love them and that this has nothing to do with them, and they can talk to us at any time.

H says he's found a place to live and is closing in on buying a used car. I have drafted a pretty detailed separation agreement. I am not a lawyer but have worked so closely with lawyers throughout my career that I think I did a decent job just laying out some terms to protect us both. Probably not legally binding but at least it will be an agreement in writing that I can use if I ever need to.

After we told them I went for a walk and when I came back I told H that I just hoped that he could be happy. He has said that living in this house is "making him" unhappy but I honestly do not think that I am the cause of his unhappiness/depression. No. I KNOW that I am not the cause of his unhappiness. He is unhappy and depressed because he has issues going back his childhood that he has never resolved. In true MLC fashion, H has said that he no longer can live here, and he needs some "space" to figure things out. He even admitted that he was having an MLC.

Thinking back, I think this most recent episode was triggered by some financial/work stuff that slowly transpired between 2021/2022. I think I mentioned this but H worked for a company that went public in 2021 and by the time we were able to sell our stock in 2022 it was almost worthless, and he had been laid off to boot (as the company was trying to save itself by cutting executives). He had a senior role there and if things had been different we'd have plenty of money. Instead we are penny pinching and watching every dime. Anyway, H was kind of devastated by all of this and went into a funk. It took him almost a year to find a new job, but he ended up starting his own company, which re-energized him. It's been about a year with the new company and it's going well, but he's still not happy.

Over the years I have been the target/perceived cause of his problems - he has never realized or accepted that I'm actually here to support him. He treats me like an enemy. He has very serious Mommy issues and I think he wants a Mommy - not a mother, but a Mommy. I'm really domestic and I cook and like to be around the house but I'm not a coddler. Not with my own children and certainly not with him. H has perceived that I've never been happy with HIM because "I'm always telling him to do something differently." I am not sure how he expects me to communicate my wants and needs if I don't tell him. It's so immature. I have very serious doubts that he can overcome his low self esteem issues, especially if he is not getting the right help.

He did say that he was seeing a therapist (he has been on and off for a while) but she has raised her prices and now it's a car payment every time. I asked him to look into getting a new therapist that would be covered by our insurance. I don't think this therapist has done much for him since he continues to mope and now is ultimately moving out. I think she is just listening to him and not actually helping him.

Also, during this conversation with the boys H said "I love your mother and want the best for her" and afterwards I finally got to say to him "I know you think you do."

This is all super depressing and I know it's going to affect the boys - it's like their childhood is really over now. S18 asked H not to leave until he goes off to college in Sept but I am not sure that is going to happen. Way to go, H.