Over the last couple of weeks, H reached out 9 days post the last text...still about coming for 'his stuff' over the weekend. Yes, this dance continues. I didn't respond and here comes another text. H says, "And talk?"
Hmm...H hasn't been getting a reaction to coming to get his things, so H changes it up. H suggests....to talk.
I told him that late morning Sat or Sun works. That was it (as much as I wanted to ask when and what to talk about...).
I got nervous, excited, anxious, confused. Woah the emotions. After collecting myself, I read through some notes I've written and told myself that I won't talk nor fill in the dead air. I'm going to listen and validate. I knew this would be hard but I was determined as I knew this to be the recommendation from vets. Didn't sleep much that night.
Saturday comes and I get a text that "tomorrow will work better". Ok - I could've predicted that but was happy that he sent the text to keep me informed. I didn't respond.
That Sat night, I was made aware that H headed to a town playoff soccer game where H was surrounded by townies - friends and family...and families behaving like families. His job doesn't provide for this exposure/reminder, and H has been hunkering down with his depression-avoiding. I wonder how many people asked about us or for those who aren't aware of his decision to separate, how many asked about me. He sat with his sister and I prayed that she triggered him bc she is sooo much like his mom. Perhaps on some level, she did...as Sunday came and went and I rec'd no text about coming by. Perhaps H just continued to avoid, was scared/fear, emotions from being at game set him back.... Who knows?
I was informed that H continues to wear his wedding band - secretively, I love this and hope that it means something positive. His FB profile pics remains unchanged and is of him and I. And, still no indication of a PA. I'm still hoping this is a horrible transition and not crisis. How do I distinguish?
Tuesday comes and another text comes in - this is now 6 weeks of texting about the same topic. Not sure if you're all bored with this but I am flabbergasted. I know all too well that this isn't about getting his stuff - thanks DnJ for confirming the dance. (and sorry to hear that your kids are still getting the song/dance from their mom. It's crazy to think after all these years). Just sometimes wonder how he doesn't see that he's been needing things for 6 weeks and still hasn't gotten them...I would think H realizes that there is another reason for outreaches. When will he see this?
Long story short....I responded to Tuesday's text with what I would call a truth dart. "Late morning Sat and Sun worked. Tonight does not". H acknowledged text and hasn't reached back out. And, another 180 for me!
I'd like to think that H is seeing that he can't control/manipulate me anymore and that I'm not making time for him with excitement. I actually had plans but H would've gotten that response from me either way.
My son's GF has been staying with me which is nice company. Still I miss H at night (well all day). I really miss this man. Limboland is lonely and hard despite going to work and GALing to stay busy. Hard as it may be, I continue to let go and I'm pretty sure I've dropped the rope - still learning and grieving. Sometimes reluctantly. Logic from vets tells me to keep going and so I do.
H pursued D again - pretty aggressively with multiple texts and calls. This is the second time in a month where he's demanded that he be her priority out of nowhere. This time, he ended the stretch of calls/texts with a text that said he wouldn't reach out to her anymore. He was sad but if she doesn't want to stay connected, he'll respect her wishes. To date, he has. Could H be attempting reconnecting? Could he have seen another awakening? I read that suicidal thoughts can be signs of dips into depression. Could he have dipped a toe into depression before the withdrawal stage? (H did tell her that he had thoughts of the unspeakable for the first time in a long time. She didn't bite that bait either and I'm thankful it was bait and not real.)
Eventually H will come by for 'his things' and we talk - and by that, I mean he talks and I listen. How would vets feel about me providing an 'apology dump' within his talk? Meaning, I apologize for my side of the street with no expectations from him. Wonder if that would contribute to H seeing that I've reflected and made some changes; seeing that therapy helps; acknowledging that I really am a better/different person and not so scary to connect with....
