Grief and Gratitude, Grok - Shifting

[grok]

Hi Kind18,

Thanks for bombing the forums from/with experience. heh, not sarcasm. I learn or get re-enforcement on better behaviors and approaches for me from each one.

STORM and RAIN

The kids and I are drying out after storm Debby passed by. Unfortunately the county had closed the parks and preserves or we would have gone out playing in the rain.

We almost didn't go out at all because D17 and D19 had a bit of a brief emotional blowout (sisters close in age, quite different personallities, it is gonna happen) ending with D17 walking away with "really, f-you!" THAT was a step to far and I stepped in. " Go to your rooms, NOW. Time for you both to cool off." I closed their doors.

Man up G, W is gone and you are IT. How the *** do I handle female sibling conflict?

I talked to each after 10 minutes. Both of them got "I'm not going to solve your conflict. I do require you to apologize to her for your over-the-top attitude. We are NOT going out until that happens. " From each I received a litany of "but" and "just" and "she did x" and ... For each I said, "yes, that may be true. If you would like, later, I can give you each of your "but" "just" "she did x" and show how you both did wrong. That is not what I asked for." I closed their doors.

It took another 20 minutes before they were ready. I busied myself with other things until they each came by with some form of "I said sorry for the over-the-top. But NOT what SHE did. Can we go out now?" Ha! "Yes, we can go now. Thank You for apologizing for the over-the-top."

It was fun playing frisbee in the pouring rain in the street. LOL S12, D17, D19 and I were all laughing in the rain.

Oh, and S12 and I had to take the dogs for their evening walk (no peeing in the house pls) in POURING rain at 10pm because it wasn't letting up. We decided to forgo umbrellas and raincoats and just be soaked. The dogs loved/hated it and got frisky. We needed five towels.

THAT spouse is gone and cheeseless tunnels

These sorts of thoughts are a waste of time.

Assuming that she should have better moral standards because of her religion is a cheeseless tunnel.

Agreed! Though sometimes hard to get myself out of the instinctual response. I let myself think and feel it as it occurs...then toss it away as useless. Sometimes vent here just to let it out and then drop it. I've gotten better at it over time. There is so much more worthy of my time and energy than running down those tunnels.

During the initial stages of my separation, my ex wife would take the children on her weekend and sit in church singing and praying - while she was actively having an affair.

This was one of the things that surprised me the most in the last 18 months. Reading and learning on affairs and so on...that experts claimed no significant difference across various beliefs or value systems.

For me a related experience... In church the Pastor announcing communion "We are told not to take this unless your heart is right with God, if you are not, just sit it out this month. There is no judgement here," with W sitting next to me, drowning deep in her EA, saying, "I feel I'm right with God, but I won't take it because I don't want to be a stumbling block to others" seemingly referring to D19 and D17.

I think overall you handled the interaction very well.

Thank you for the feedback. It is difficult to see when in the middle of it.

The person you thought you knew doesn’t exist. Either never did, or is missing in action (likely for many years).

Set your expectations of her very, very low - it makes your life easier.

Based on conversations this last 18 months and debris I have been cleaning up in the home...I think MIA for 3 or 4 years now. I think her retirement from the military reserves on a low note ~ six years ago started the process.

Most of the time zero expectations is the norm now. A big assist from going dark/dim. As others have noted, going dark/dim turns out to be for me, to reset and center myself.

The only person whose thoughts and behaviours and morality you control - are yours!

An ongoing work to never end!

g