Yours is the typical blindsided-husband story I’ve read a thousand times on this website.
Wife is post-kids, 40+, has multiple challenges around her or her children’s health (or death of a parent) and has lost some sense of self by not being able to maintain her career.
Cue midlife crisis, depression, anxiety and her search for answers (only ever searching external to herself) which becomes more volatile by the day as she becomes increasingly depressed and desperate.
With the “help” of girlfriends and therapist (who wants her coming back weekly for years), wife decides you must be the reason for her unhappiness. The split second that “the reason for my unhappiness must be him” enters her brain, she goes on a (roughly) six month resentment journey. She builds resentment over every little thing you do (and don’t do). If you make her dinner you’re a weak, sucky man. If you don’t make her dinner, you’re a lazy a**hole.
Eventually, she starts fooling around (emotionally at first, but then physically). Eventually the bomb drop comes. But she doesn’t move out, she just says she doesn’t love you and can’t be with you (but conveniently keeps living with you as a security blanket while she looks elsewhere). She’ll say stuff like “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” or “I’d like to work this out, but I can’t see how”. This keeps her in your holding pattern. It’s a manipulation. She wants to leave, but she needs to find your replacement.
Husbands flip out. Their entire world has been turned upside down. Male instinct of “something is broken, it must be my fault and I have to fix it” kicks in and emotions are dialled to 100 with full energy directed at trying to impress and save this unhappy wife.
While you apologise for everything (including things that aren’t your fault) and do 100% of the chores to try and fix what she’s unhappy about, it plays into her narrative that it’s all your fault. You’re trying to fix things - but you’re actually reinforcing to her that it has all been your fault all along.
Husband ends up at DB website, information dumps the whole story. Gets warned there’s probably an affair person, but is sure there isn’t. Trickles along for next few months hoping a structured response gets slow results and helps to rebuild marriage on a solid foundation.
Eventually, some minor issue arises and the wife turns it into world war 3. As sure as night follows day, there’s been someone else all along. She has reached the end of her patience, has a backup guy and a lawyer telling her what she wants to hear, so roughly nine months after bomb drop she starts burning it all to the ground.
Cue messy divorce, lawyers sniffing around for scraps and big custody battle. Husband comes back here to this website regularly, hoping to be the bigger person and validate and listen to turn things around - but the ship has already sailed.
The strongest theme I see at this website is men (just like I did) who pander to a “this must be my fault and I need to fix it” mentality.
Were you a perfect husband? No. Was I? No. None of us are. But from what I’ve read, you are totally willing to identify and work on your shortcomings.
She is not. She wants EVERYTHING to be your fault and she will destroy your mental health making you feel like everything is your fault and responsibility to fix. Tell me this - how many times since this started has she said “I did abc wrong, I own it and I’m sorry, and I’m going to try and do xyz to make it up to you and rebuild our marriage”? I’m quietly confident for the last 3 years your wife has never done that. Not once. Don’t shoulder all the responsibility for her crap behaviour.
You need to understand this is not your fault. It’s her mid life crisis, and she will do anything in her own mind to make it your fault because she can’t possibly deal with the guilt of breaking her marriage.
There is nothing you can do, say, be or promise that is going to make her happy right now. Stop trying to analyse what she says, does, indicates or what you think she wants. She doesn’t even know what she wants! The only thing she knows is she is unhappy and it must be your fault.
Please stop pandering to this woman. Once you’ve read DB and DR by Michelle, maybe pickup a copy of “No More Mr. Nice Guy”. That nice guy behaviour that you hope will save your marriage is actually destroying it.
Be cool, calm, collected, honest and moral. If she’s sad - SHE is sad. If she is angry - SHE is angry. Don’t think for a second that you are responsible for her emotions.
You seem like a great guy, and someone would be lucky to have you in their life. Don’t go out looking for someone new, but if she wants to kick you to the kerb - let her!
Why would you want so desperately to be with someone who doesn’t even love or respect you? That’s messed up. You deserve better.
I don’t think I’ve ever read one story here from a husband who has come along and said “My wife said she loves me but isn’t in love with me. Also, she’s having an affair so I kicked her out, put her stuff on the sidewalk, changed the locks and called a lawyer.” That never happens on this site… because men like that who are strong, full of conviction, and won’t be walked over - their wives never leave them in the first place!
There’s tonnes of wonderful people here, who give great advice for free. If I had to choose one you should listen to the most, it’s Ready2Change. He is the guy who will teach you to stop being a worried, weak man who analyses his wife’s every move - to a man who is strong, confident, attractive - and someone only a fool would leave.
You’re a good human being, and you deserve someone who sees it. Time to hit the gym. Time to start every sentence with “I” instead of “she”. Find your hobbies. Join some clubs. Buy a mountain bike. Do a course. Go camping.
