Wife in crisis

[DnJ]

Good Morning Lb

I did get her to go see a counsellor several months back (which she has kept doing), but now understand that was likely not a good action as IC tends to reinforce behaviours rather than hold up a mirror.

Most folks in emotional turmoil will not listen to someone holding up, nor look into that mirror. Running from accountability and responsibility is pretty commonplace.

“I did get her to see”. When/if that becomes “W decided to see”, IC has a greater chance at yielding better results.

We did try marriage counselling with two separate counsellors, neither of which she liked (the one was too analytical, the other one wanted to delve into her past). I have concluded that this is not helpful for now, and maybe will not be.

Yes, MC is usually not helpful while one party is full of self conflicts and not willing nor able to be invested.

I am sitting here this evening listening to my kids playing in their bedroom instead of sleeping. My wife is out seeing an opera - a networking event for work in her fledgling attempt to establish herself as an independent business. Which did intrude on my work, despite her knowing that I currently have one of the more intense periods of the last couple of years. I need to think about how to get better at setting certain boundaries around this. I know how important it is for her to establish herself but I am the only one earning an income. And I do not see that changing for a while.

“I need to think about how to get better at setting certain boundaries around this.” Some advice, not so much a boundary, rather delimitation between things:

“I am sitting here this evening listening to my kids playing in their bedroom instead of sleeping.” 100% agree with R2C - best sounds ever! It’s so good, it deserves its own paragraph. Do not concatenate W’s being out, how that intrudes upon your work, and such with your kids and their lives.

Identify the moment(s). Be present in the moment(s). Writing accurately helps with thinking accurately, which fosters feeling accurately, which expresses in living accurately. Be accurate and clear in thought and heart.

Next time the kids are playing instead of sleeping. Go up and start a pillow fight with them. I bet they would love it! And boy, the memories that would form for them. And you.

Hold your kids, your relationship with your kids, clearly, in your heart and thoughts. Free from the BS with W, problems with work, finances, etc.

I have spent time focusing on myself (apart from the considerable time I spent with my kids), working on my mindset and carving out time for things that I do enjoy despite my pretty intense days. I go climbing regularly, which has done me a lot of good. I have taken to reading more, and recently went for a "dinner with strangers" experience, which was something outside of what I would normally have done. I am focusing on my career, having taken steps to get a mentor and setting myself up for promotion despite the challenging economic environment.

Excellent!

I would be grateful for a reflection from the board: We continue living together in separation, yet I am not sure if this will essentially provide the space that she needs to be confronted with the reality of her choices.

In house separation is difficult.

It is not up to you, it is not your responsibility, it is not within your control to have or ensure she is confronted with the reality of her choices. You can only control you, giving time and space, moving forward, and focusing on you and the kids. Give her to God.

While things are a bit tight, she has a very comfortable life. She does not earn money, does not want to take a job below "what she is worth" and work on setting herself up. Separating for me includes selling the house, which would have a big impact on both our quality of lives (and in particular the kids). I do not want the kids to go through this, yet this cannot go on forever. I am thinking as a first step asking her to get a job and contribute to the household income.

It’s a difficult razor edge. Time and space, cake eating, etc.

Ask yourself this: Are you comfortable? You mention W has a comfortable life, do you have an equally as comfortable life? Do the kids?

IHS. Are you and her eating together? Anything still joint? Laundry, meals, sleeping, travelling/commuting? Not saying it can’t be, just looking accurately is all. Remember, W needs to feel the loss of you, before she can miss you.

Time and space for angry justifying feelings to burn out, and other more helpful to your cause emotions to surface. Guilt, shame, loss, and such.

Do steer clear of relationship talks.

gotten drawn into two arguments about separating recently, which she still feels strongly about.

Yep, arguing feeds her narrative and justifications. She will bait you. Try to draw you in. She needs to. Especially if her resolve starts to wavier.

I empathize with your reactions. Keep working on detachment and indifference. Realize you control you. Don’t take the bait. You can just walk away and let her be wrong.

I’d not ask/tell W to get a job. That will just foster arguing. Got to come at things sideways. If she feels something is her idea or choice there is a better chance of it happening.

If you are not ok with present state of your or kids’ comfort then: I’d present the household expenses to her. The “being separate” expenses which will clearly indicate her share. Of course, you cannot forgo the non-discretionary expenses. However, you can ease back on the discretionary ones. Doing more of what works and less of what doesn’t. It’s IHS after all.

Such pulling back of funding her lifestyle will have repercussions. She may also realize she needs to get it in gear and get a job and grow up. Ah, accountability and responsibility. Remember, you can only lead a horse to the water, you can’t make them drink.

By the way, it doesn’t have to be financial, or only financial. For example, cease joint car rides to places, if you are doing so. Sure, taking two cars is a pain. That’s the point. Let her feel it.

Detaching is hard for me, yet I have made progress. I give my wife lots of time and take on a lot of the household plus look after my kids next to a fairly intense job; I am not sure if I do not overdo it. I have some holidays coming up, including a week to myself which I really need.

Continue to give time and space. You really cannot overdo that. As long as she is wanting out of the marriage - give lots of time and space. She needs it, and will take it. Don’t walk on eggshells or be a doormat either.

Keep moving forward and enjoy your upcoming holiday.

D