Grief and Gratitude, Grok - Shifting

[Valeska19]

What goes on in G’s head, but he stays in STFU / dark mode
- Subtitle, G’s irritation is let out here

Ok, attempt at paraphrasing the next set of interactions

Part 1

Remember this comes after W messages that
1) she is sending back the first two alimony amounts and wants me to apply them to the car (hers) loan I assumed as part of the settlement.
2) wants a different lawyer than the mediator we used so as to “give you back all money that you consider yours. If that is all nearly $xxx,xxx, then every last cent”. meaning the 50% (almost 7 digits) of our net worth….

I’ve never considered any but 50% as mine. We never had a separate hers and mine. Everything has been joint.

Part 2

G, “Thank you. I will remain on schedule.
Also, I was billed $xxx for yyy.com.  Is this one of yours?”

W’s paragraphs reply shortened to:
- yes, for my gig work
- I will go back to the RV and update
- $xxx can be from over-repayment above
- $xx can be from the ~$xxxx I paid for kids school

G thinks, and stays in STFU mode.
- What it was for didn’t matter, I just wanted to know if it was W’s, fraud, or something of mine I had forgotten about.
- Why would you go back to the RV now to update it?
- I wasn’t asking for repayment.
- I know you purchased S12’s and D17’s textbooks since they arrived at my home.
- You never told me how much $$ of direct school expenses you paid or for what.
- I can’t reimburse you without knowing what you spent.

You see, even before working on a settlement, I said I would pay all kids customary direct costs for school, etc. It is codified in the settlement. All the kids automatic billed stuff comes to me. Every time she has let me know of an expense, I have paid it. No questions. No complaints. I never had expectations of her paying for the children… how is this any different? Peace of mind coming from accepting 100% responsibility for my children. No expectations of W. I’ve seen and heard the unhappy hearts that come from disputes over child support.

Part 3

Continued paraphrased W’s long paragraphs broken apart interspersed with G’s thoughts from inside STFU mode (no actual replies). A little venting here.

W - Let’s not do tit for tat. Just tell me if my expenses. It’s not on purpose.
G - Um, I wasn’t tit for tat. I noticed when checking the card charges this week. A few days later when I wasn’t busy with other things I asked politely if it was your expense.

W - I am paying $2,xxx / month for kids’ expenses, lots of gas.
G - WT*?! Are you spending on? They live 100% with me. D19 pays most of her own share now, part of giving her the safety of home while practicing what it takes to be on her own. They and I go shopping anytime they need clothes, supplies, etc. Everything a home provides I pay for. I pay for D17s sports. And on. Also, gas? You spend on gas because of where you chose to live. Your choice of how much to drive back and forth. Echos from DB forums on accountability for choices and kryptonite

W - D17 doesn’t make her own food to sports and work and I pay the bill.
G - F’n parent up W. That is your choice, not child support. Tell her no, you will not take her out to eat after every single morning gymnastics practice And every single evening work schedule. You can pack a lunch box and so can D17. The fridge and pantry is stocked full.

W - state child support and alimony rules are screwy, though we don’t make them. Child support should be shared the best we can
G - We came to a fair agreement. I pay you a large chunk every month for 18 months to cover both. I only pay at all because we agreed to continue home school and you claimed to be unable to do much work when doing so.

W - I don’t ask for even a tiny bit of expenses the kids cause because asking “may I” is crazy. I don’t care about the agreement.
G - *frustration*. It’s not asking for permission if I already agreed to it. Where does this come from? I just need minimal accountability of telling me how much and for what. Every time you told me of an expense, I have reimbursed with no comment.

W - I don’t mind paying kids expenses. We are sharing kids 50/50, so I don’t mind paying as much as I can. God will provide.
G - I’m providing, still. You have been living primarily off savings/investments I earned for OUR FUTURE. I’ve sent alimony payments to provide as agreed. You JUST SENT THEM BACK!…to pay off a low interest car loan early. Backwards of what any financial advisor would tell you. 50/50? This summer you average 2 or 3 hours each week day with them. You set up your place as so uninviting to them, the kids have not gone over of their own will.

W - I don’t mind helping with the house. I cleaned up the back yard last month and trimmed up the hedges today. let me know if that eases the burden and what else since I am using your space.
G - So….this is … new. Those were misc things that didn’t need doing right now. But you don’t pick up after yourself in the home when there. You don’t take care of your rabbit. Or take it to your place as you promised 4 times. You haven’t touched your stuff taking up half the garage or half the “den” area in months. But the hedges? Oh, and using “my space?” No, you are in my HOME.

W - I will be showing S12’s school for accountability now. Feel free to let me know if you have concerns.
G - Um, OK. I’ve been observing without expectations. Having plans no matter which way you turn out.

Part 4, Next day

W - I’d like to take S12 two states up in early Aug. to see his friend X before the school year.
G - Hmmmm, I have no issue with the trip. This is a ~12 hour drive. Proposed dates are 4 days. S12’s friend X used to be somewhat close but hasn’t been for years. Missing some logic here. Mind reading other motives. Friend X’s mom was one of W’s friends who left her husband. This guy had some real issues. i.e. kids could go visit if W’s friend was the adult in charge, but not if he was. I know, not just think, W and her conferred on divorce and how much happier it was to meet a new man to fill her needs.

To respond
After all that, I haven’t replied yet. Short Simple Business Maybe:

“I have no conflicts with those dates.”

Looks like she hit a nerve. You took the bait. Hook, line, and sinker.

No one can be calm all the time. We are human after all. But this conversation served really no purpose. It's not like she will take all you said and do better next time. That's not where your relationship is right now. Still too emotional.

Next I need to tell her I’m taking the kids to the west coast to visit my family for a couple weeks in early Sept. And ask if she will take care of the animals while we are away.

Maybe:

“I’ve planned the usual annual trip to visit my family from x-x Sept. Will you be able to take care of our animals for these dates?”

What do you all think?


g

I personally wouldn't ask her to watch anything. Outside of co-parenting those kids, rely on her for nothing.