Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[MamaG]

As the weekend wraps up, I'm reflecting on the busyness that I managed through. Frankly, it felt really good to GAL. Breakfast on Saturday with a friend. S and GF came for dinner Saturday night. I really miss cooking and entertaining...and with wonderful company. Just loved every second of it.

As I set out, I needed to get the power washer running. After making some effort in early June and failing, this was on my list of things to accomplish before heading back to work from being on medical leave. I did it. A few online videos, a little grease and some sweat but I got the thing running and I power washed for a few hours today. It felt great to do it on my own - well mom was here for company. H would always troubleshoot and get the washer going - never liked to start right up in the Spring. Then I'd jump in and wash things up. I wasn't sure I could start the thing but I was determined and succeeded. It feels so good. It also hit me and it was yet sobering to think that this may be my next chapter - outdoor house chores on my own. Sigh.

Aerators usually are screwed on. They may be a wee bit tight. A careful (so to not scratch the faucet) application of chanel-lock pliers, a nice twist counter clockwise, and they should loosen ease-pease. smile

I don't have aerators. Removing the screens require a key. Got the keys and need to get on that next weekend. The air in the pipes is better but that's not good enough for this girl.

Not reaching out to H has gotten easier. I still think about H several times a day and miss him. Tears still find their way down my cheeks. Not knowing what H is up to is disheartening but I trust that until H hits rock bottom and/or really feels my loss, I stand no chance at him scaling the wall back to reality. This gives me strength to DB. Meanwhile, it feels as tho I'm losing my love for him. I'm hopeful that I'm simply putting my love on a shelf but question the feeling that my love for H isn't quite so deep. Are the rose-colored glasses coming off or do we just not share moments/life that kept us so in love? Kept us intertwined? Kept us laughing? Sigh, again.

You probably aren't going to my answer... but DO nothing. Keep the course.

Based on your old dynamic - H isn't used to MamaG taking care of herself... choosing herself. This throws him off. Long before he decides to make the shift towards you (if he decides that), he's going to test the waters. Right now - its a H's pity party with illness. Let's see what happens when you keep the course. My bet is that you are going to experience some anger with these new changes.

Guess what I did? Nothing.

Saturday morning, H text (again) to tell me he was going to stop by to get some things on Sunday afternoon. Woah, day 3 in a row with a text from H.

Guess what I did with that text? Nothing. His text was presumptuous that he could come on Sunday afternoon. Like...I'm sitting here for him to come by. Or H cycled. Who knows?

I didn't respond to his text all weekend....and H didn't come by. No text. No visit.

What LBSs seem to not understand is that their WAS also grieve the loss of the relationship. It may look a little different but they too go through their own little emotional rollercoaster ride. Some weeks they may be sweet and text more, other weeks - they may be mad as dirt and spitting fire.

It can be very hard to grasp the idea that the WAS can miss their spouse... and still move forward with the divorce. Because of this.. the LBS will create false hope. They see positives that may not really be there. Their guard comes down and their changes are challenged. And if the changes aren't for them... this is when they go back to their old selves.

I know H is grieving me. H's look on his face a couple weeks ago when he saw me for the first time in 7 weeks said it all. I was cold and unwelcoming for the 2 minutes he stopped by. I still don't know of a PA and even question the EA at this point. I don't snoop so anything is possible but I genuinely think his limerant object is a combo of work, weed, alcohol, porn.Mostly distractions. I'm beginning to believe H is a fearful avoidant and has just gotten comfortable in his four walls and going to work. This will get old. I can't imagine it won't. Until then, H will live where I do not comfort him.

You have to find inner peace with who you are becoming. If you are doing this in the hopes of your husband changing - you are gonna crack like an egg when he changes tactics and I promise you... he will.

I sometimes wonder and believe there is a bit of both - doing it for me and doing it for his healing/return. With the support of this forum, I will not crack. Stick with me. I'm trying.

Be cautious here. Lots of mind reading going on by you. It pretty common for LBS. After all, a long marriage and knowing someone for such a while, one gets a pretty good read on their spouse. However, that’s with old H. This pod-person, MLC H, is a different cat. Do not fall into the mind reading trap. Simply read H’s words as written. No assigning emotions or motives to them.

This comment gave me pause. I didn't consider that my "knowing" H could lead to incorrect interpretation. Although in this case I was spot on since D got the 'woe is me' text that evening. That said, I'll have to watch for mind reading trap. Didn't realize that they aren't quite as predicting. Yes, they do and say strange things so it would make sense....just assumed that his reaction to me packing things for him couldn't mean "sounds good" to him.

Lean towards not giving any reason. However, if you need to, “You moved out” should speak volumes methinks.

So simple and direct - love it. Why can't I just keep it simple stupid (KISS)? I'm laughing and shaking my head all at once.

That's all for today. Off to the office tomorrow - back to real life.

Good night!