Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[Valeska19]

Thursday morning comes and I get a lengthy and detailed text from H that starts with "Good morning". Wow, Good morning? This is a surprise, a change.

H isn't sure if today is going to work bc he doesn't feel well. H provides me all sorts of details about how sick he was the night before & all of the symptoms he was feeling, but that he's headed to work. Really? I think to myself, for someone who has been dormant & distant, this is a lot of sharing.

I don't respond.

H sends a subsequent text 15 minutes later to inform me that he's not going to work. Rather, he's going back to bed. Again, strange to get a play by play of his morning - this is the life I lived for many decades but not the recent year.

Again, I don't quickly respond to his text. In this case, I was so confused behind his need to provide me with so much detail. He's been so secretive. Why now?

I finally respond with 'that s*cks. feel better'. It took hours to land on these words....

This morning, another text update from H. What? What's going on? H says, "I'm feeling better today. Made it to work." I still haven't responded.

Again, I want to celebrate the possible movement through this dark tunnel, especially since I (we all) know how hard it is to be a LBS through the uncertain no contact times. Vets have made it clear that I can't fix H bc I didn't break him. BUT, what do I do with this? What do I make of this?

You probably aren't going to my answer... but DO nothing. Keep the course.

Based on your old dynamic - H isn't used to MamaG taking care of herself... choosing herself. This throws him off. Long before he decides to make the shift towards you (if he decides that), he's going to test the waters. Right now - its a H's pity party with illness. Let's see what happens when you keep the course. My bet is that you are going to experience some anger with these new changes.

What LBSs seem to not understand is that their WAS also grieve the loss of the relationship. It may look a little different but they too go through their own little emotional rollercoaster ride. Some weeks they may be sweet and text more, other weeks - they may be mad as dirt and spitting fire.

It can be very hard to grasp the idea that the WAS can miss their spouse... and still move forward with the divorce. Because of this.. the LBS will create false hope. They see positives that may not really be there. Their guard comes down and their changes are challenged. And if the changes aren't for them... this is when they go back to their old selves.

This is why we say things like "believe nothing they say and half of what they do" or "don't backtrack on your hard earned changes"

Unfortunately one text message isn't a sign of anything. If/When your husband wants in the marriage - you will know. Until then - you stay the course.. because you are the prize and deserve a loving husband who wants to be with you. Hard stop.

This is a belief you never express to your H. This a belief that you tell yourself because YOU are the one that needs to believe it first. Only then can you teach others how to treat you.

And, I know in time, H will eventually come for his boxed belongings...whether this week or next. DnJ has mentioned that I shouldn't even be home when H comes by. Or, to be busy and preoccupied while he packs his stuff up. That's my plan. IF, and I know it's an IF, but a likely IF...H asks questions about why I packed his things, what is my reason?

Is it recommended that I respond with
- While I don't think D is the answer, I understand our marriage is over and am looking to heal for my next chapter.

Or

- I respect you and your decision to no longer be married. You've made it clear and I'm accepting of his wishes.

You say NOTHING. Don't engage.

You have made some good strides... but you still have so much work to do. In the beginning - it's a constant battle changing your behavior. If you aren't constantly checking yourself - you are likely just to answer the same way you did before this all happened.

You have to find inner peace with who you are becoming. If you are doing this in the hopes of your husband changing - you are gonna crack like an egg when he changes tactics and I promise you... he will.