Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

Congrats on fixing the toilet and getting the sprinklers working properly. It does take some time running water to purge the air out of the pipes.

A tip for you: When you bleed down a water line, completed whatever repair or install was required, and restored the water pressure, go around and remove the aerator on every faucet. Clean/wash off the aerator and run water to flush out the line (as well as purge the air). Do put the stopper in as sometimes the rubber gasket for the aerator unknowingly remains on the tap. The flowing water blasts it loose and the gasket goes down the drain. It’s also neat to see just how much debris is filled out.

With the water turned off, bits of scale, rust, and whatnot that is stuck to the insides of the pipes comes loose. When pressure is restored and with water flowing down stream, the junk will accumulate in the aerators. It can sometimes be so bad that a faucet will plug right up and not work at all. The washing machine inlet lines may require their filters cleaned as well, depending on where their lines are hooked up to the main supply and how much of the water system was pressured down. Those filters are just a mesh screen right at the hose connection. Turn off the valve, remove the hose, flush it into a pail, clean the screen, and reassemble.

The dishwasher can plug up too. However, flushing the kitchen sink tap usually prevents accumulation of debris in the dishwasher inlet. Cleaning/flushing the dishwasher is a more involved job (stuff to take apart), and only done when needed.

If you feel that it's wiser/better/kinder/more personal to inform him in person, can I ask you to give me words to share my 'packing his stuff' news with him? How do I tell him that I packed up his belongings?

I understand your fear regarding what H’s reaction might be. Ah, fear. It’s about something that hasn’t even happened yet, and might not.

I’d just reply to his text without the “to help him” preamble. Just stick to the facts and be short and direct. The “to help him” wording is fear based. It’s you trying to soften the blow so he won’t get upset.

Just text him something like:

H (text): I’m hoping to come by one day this week after work to grab clothes.

MG (text): Perfect! Your stuff is boxed up and in the garage.

(Or basement, or wherever you have it piled up.)

Also, H doesn't know about poison ivy and his last sighting of me was with my arms all wrapped up. When H comes this week, do I wear a long sleeve shirt to hide the healing but blemished arms? If H asks, do I share with him what was/is wrong? Is this a time to be mysterious?

Be out. Don’t even be there. That’d be mighty mysterious.

Be arm-deep in some repair. Too busy for chit chat with him. He can gather his stuff and go.

Time and space. Letting him feel what he is loosing.

Besides, you’re detached, focused on your life, and a got lots to do, and lots you want to do.

As an observation, H generally avoids coming to the house on weekends. And, as a second observation, H tends to text on Mondays...after the weekend.

H has mentioned that he works on Sat and then does nothing on Sun. Strange? Common for MLCer? Avoiding 'time' to be around longer than a weeknight after work?

Some do tend to find a manner of routine, and others are all over the map. There was a poster whose MLCer called on Fridays from work after 5:00 pm closing. Others only on weekends, others only on weekdays, and others whenever they “feel” they need to. For the latter group, the LBS, to keep their sanity, usually needs to promote a routine of returning correspondence on only a certain day. Something like, read all the texts and listen to the various voice mails. Reply to the necessary stuff by email (it is best to figure out one, and only one, method of communication for the really clinging type) one day a week. Maybe Wednesday evenings, so it doesn’t detract from your weekend plans and activities.

You H is not latched on that hard. His texting and reaching out sounds like it is contained to Mondays, and not every Monday. Remember, these folks are confused and teenager-like. They have a cauldron of rebelling, lashing out, moving out, and yet hanging on. Just like kids do when they leave the nest.

I do believe it is common for MLCers to minimize their time around us and their old life. A weekday after work is easier to make up an excuse to leave or plan a short visit than an open weekend.

H’s do nothing Sunday is also common. Not so much being Sunday, as just a down day to brood and wallow. It’s the stuff of those not burning their candle at both ends - the high energy types.

My vanisher XW hasn’t spoken to me for years. She does reach out to the kids - somewhat. Her schedule is a couple of months. XW reaches a point when she feels she needs to hear their voice, and she starts texting or calling. She cycles between texts and calls on a yearly timeframe. Presently she at the apex of reaching out and it is by actual phone calls.

The kids, well let’s stick with the youngest for one. He has over the last week received 40 calls from Mom. Son is well aware of how Mom is, and how she is just getting her fix. She never shares anything about her life (with any of the kids) and once she gets her visit in, she goes silent-running again for a while.

Son is busy with his Master Thesis and doesn’t have time for her drama. As such, son has ignored her calls.

Son took a few days off and was out visiting me, which XW knew about. (oh, MLCers still keeps tabs on their old life and going ons with LBS and tossed away kids.) She called three times one morning and then texted son, begging him to call her. Son responded to her text, asking if anything was wrong. Mom said, no, I just want to hear your voice. It’s like a starring contest with her.

The last time XW/Mom “needed” to “just hear your voice” was her birthday. And yes, it was exactly that - to just hear his voice. After days and days of her hounding him, son called her. She was too busy right then and would call him back. Nine hours later Mom got back to son, heard him say two sentences and then told him she was busy and hung up. Then nothing until the week ago calls started up again.

She’s really lost.

Son understands. And he basically doesn’t invest into her BS. Our situation is going on seven years now. Mom is just using him and his siblings. No sharing of her life. (She still has not mentioned her new riding mower to any of them. And mowing grass is her main source of income and vocation.) Like an addict, she gets her fix, they runs. Once it wears off, she desperately reaches back for another quick - not too personal, not too motherly, not too anything - hit. Sad really.

Keep moving forward you handy-woman. Good for you. And you should be proud. Excellent role model for daughter.

D