MLC Hubby wants to move out

[DnJ]

Good Morning R

Happy Birthday!

I’m glad to see you made it a great day. Good for you! A pool, some nice earrings, and sincere friends.

I got asked to participate in a craft fair at the end of the month. I even got inspired to send my headshots to a modeling agency specifically for 50+ women with grey hair. (Yes, I fit that bill). One of the women at the party yesterday is a grey hair model now and she loves it. I checked out the website and these are just ordinary women - some beautiful, some not. Some skinny, some not. Some tall, some not. WHY NOT?

Excellent!


H’s behaviour and lack of acknowledgment and conversation towards your birthday certainly suggests how self consumed he is. His the day after announcing that he has withdrawn $100K so he can move out confirms it. (IMO)

I agree with your sister, H is a mess!

H makes twice my salary and we are deeply in debt. I have made it my goal this year to address that instead of punting like we have done for years thinking that next year there would be more money.

I think you are going to get to address your goal in short order.

H said he did this because he respects and appreciates what I am trying to do regarding getting us out of debt. That was nice to hear, especially since he pushed back on sticking to a budget for a long time, but the fact that he took that distribution from his retirement isn't exactly encouraging. He said he would continue to funnel his salary into the joint account and use the distribution to pay for rent and everything that would come from maintaining a separate household.

As you wisely said, actions speak louder than words.

H says he appreciates what you are trying to do regarding the debt. Notice: what “you” are trying to do, not what “we” are trying to do.

So, H’s nice words aside, what are his actions? Take out a hundred thousand bucks and move out. WTF? Yep, not very encouraging to correcting your debt or financial progression.

It looks like H’s plan is ill-conceived. MLCers are driven by their emotions. Their decisions and actions are not based on logic and reason.

H makes twice your salary. He promises - ah, more words. Believe none of what they say, and only fall of what they do. He promises to keep depositing into the joint account, and yet somehow fund a second residence and his life. And there are kids, college, and such yet to account for. And you!

His double your salary along with your’s didn’t get you two moving out of the red. How is another household and all the expenses going to help? Even if his “is the grass greener” experiment goes well, he (and you) is $100K further in debt.

I do not worry that H will "raid" our account or do anything like that.

My dear, H just did raid the accounts!

I told him if he wants to move out and then come back (which seems to be his plan), a LOT would have to change while he's gone. He acknowledged that and agreed. He seems to think that he needs this time and space to "improve our relationship." I think that he needs to test the theory that the grass is not greener.

You are correct, H likely needs to test if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Of course, grass is greenest where one waters it.

So, if H invests into his new life, in his eyes, where is the grass going to grow? Short term, H will be incorrectly confirming his ill-conceived feeling-based plan.

It takes a long time for these lost souls to realize that family and love doesn’t just grow on trees, or found on any random street corner. It takes effort and investment and sacrifice and commitment and responsibility and accountability and such. MLCers are running from that stuff.

Also, now that H has a plan, he is insisting that we tell S18 and S20. I say S18 and S20 do not need to be involved right now. H wants to move out as soon as possible, but I think that it's better to let S18 and S20 have a nice summer and not interrupt it while they are at home. If this happens while they are at college, they don't need to watch Dad walk out the door. H does not want to wait until October to move out, but I think that's unfair to the boys.

Regarding H’s plan. Let him do the heavy-lifting. Do not place boulders on his path. Yet don’t pave it in gold either. If H is wanting out, remove all pressure and let him go.

If H does follow through with his moving as soon as possible intent, I’d tell the boys right away as well. Yes, H’s decision is unfair, and it won’t become any more palatable for the boys just because they are back in college. My opinion, it would be better for them to have the summer to feel, vent, grieve, and such. Heck, being at home, nearby, will allow them to better tell (blast) Dad how they feel.


R, speak with a lawyer. ASAP! Get information. Learn your rights and what your options are. Protect your finances. You have a lot of life ahead of you. You need to be able to fund it. And you certainly don’t need H’s new debt load added to your burden.

If you need financial protection or security - get it! You can still DB. You can still stand. Treat the business side business-like.

D