MLC Hubby wants to move out

[RegretfulLA]

Hello friends,
I have some updates and would love people's feedback!

First of all, yesterday was my birthday! I totally GAL'd, and planned it all in advance because I knew that H would withdraw. I went to a gorgeous pool next to the beach (even though the weather was cloudy), and then I went to see comedy with my friend. I bought the gift that I would have asked H for (a nice pair of earrings) and when other people asked me what I wanted, I told them what I actually wanted. I really enjoyed my day!

As expected, H was distant. When we woke up, he said happy birthday in almost an obligatory way - like, when your mom says "Wish Grandma Happy Birthday" and you don't really want to. Then he goes "The big 5-4". I just said thanks. He went to his office in our back house and I left to go the beach without telling anyone. He and the boys had left cards for me and I just ignored them until I got back around 5 pm.

I came home and showered and by the time I was out of the shower, H was back in the house watching TV in the living room. I came downstairs and went into the kitchen, which is behind our living room. I know he could hear that I was in the kitchen but he didn't move, or say anything, or even acknowledge my presence. Then I opened his card.

The card said:
I know this is a difficult time. I want you to know I love and appreciate you and always will. Happy Birthday! I hope it's a fun day. Love, H.

I say, "actions speak louder than words" - maybe he thinks that he loves and appreciates me, but he sure does not show it. As my sister said, "He's a mess."

I went out with my friend. At no point did H ask me what I was doing, where I was going, who I was going with or how my night was. But he did say "have fun" as I was leaving. I didn't offer up this information either. When I got home H was in bed with lights off but awake (no snoring... dead giveaway). I said nothing.

This morning I asked H a question about work just to open up the dialog and then he told me that he took $100K out of his retirement account so that he can move out without disturbing the household finances.

Well, obviously he has thought about this a lot and I was pretty much speechless.

I manage all the money in the household and we operate with a joint account. H makes twice my salary and we are deeply in debt. I have made it my goal this year to address that instead of punting like we have done for years thinking that next year there would be more money. (Ok, to be fair, there were a couple years when we really thought there was going to be more money since the company H worked for had an IPO... unfortunately that did not work out as planned). I have been very serious about our money this year.

H said he did this because he respects and appreciates what I am trying to do regarding getting us out of debt. That was nice to hear, especially since he pushed back on sticking to a budget for a long time, but the fact that he took that distribution from his retirement isn't exactly encouraging. He said he would continue to funnel his salary into the joint account and use the distribution to pay for rent and everything that would come from maintaining a separate household. For the record, I do not worry that H will "raid" our account or do anything like that.

I told him if he wants to move out and then come back (which seems to be his plan), a LOT would have to change while he's gone. He acknowledged that and agreed. He seems to think that he needs this time and space to "improve our relationship." I think that he needs to test the theory that the grass is not greener.

He does not seem to want D, but I think I do, at least right now. We have been married for 23 years and has been a roller coaster since year 8 and I am ready to get off. If money were not an issue, I think I would not want him to come back. He is depressed and repressed and he has put me through the ringer time and time again. This is not the first birthday or special occasion where he completely ignored me (although I was prepared this time). I am over it. No one deserves to be treated like that.

Although this feels scary, I think I will be glad to have him gone, at least for a while.