Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

You did fine on the exchange with H. You stated that that night was not a good time; you stated that him taking tools is not preferred as you then have to go and purchase replacement ones. It’s up to H whether he listens or not. You cannot control his actions.

Because this is a problem between H and I, do I reach out to resolve? Basically ensure he'll fund his half? Or do I leave it alone? I don't think he'll fund it to D and if she shouldn't do the following up....what do I do or say?

You are between a rock and a hard place. Like with the tools, or anything really, H will do as he will. You cannot make him. As such, it’s what do you, or perhaps what should you do?

Focus on you and the kids.

Give plenty of time and space to dear old confused H.

Take actions based upon your sincere, logically and rationally based, best path forward. Counterintuitive as it may be.

Have you spoken to your L yet? Knowledge is power. You will know which options you can and cannot legally move forward with. You will be better informed to make the difficult/best decision(s). By the way, that best (for the moment) decision may be to let things lay on the financial front and simply pack up H’s belonging and replace the few tools he acquires.

“Problem between you and H” reinforces to keep the kids out of it. Whatever is going on - minimize further harm as best you can. And to be clear, there will be further damages, collateral and otherwise, from H and his behaviours. Note further damages does not necessitate further harms. Minimizing further harm is best served by not trying to be a shield, rather being a role model and illustrating how to be strong and secure and basically know thy self. To be able to see through the manipulation and gaslighting and projections. To not fret over them.

“Do I reach out to resolve?” Yes. Although, not to H. And likely not in the manner you are considering. Be clear with H, as you were regarding house, items, coming over, etc. For required financial protection and security, you reach out to L. Be business-like when dealing with business stuff.

As for D’s tuition, and keeping the problem between you and H. If H doesn’t pay his half - you pay. Ensure whatever parental portion of D’s fees/tuition are planned on being paid, get paid. You then deal with H later. (If you choose to. It may be in your best interest to let his portion go.)

I want financial security around the nest egg. I've been the bread winner all along. H provides in many other ways and I believe that H never felt that his contributions were equitable. We would openly talk about how each of us contributed and had no issues with it. Perhaps, H had an issue with having a lower income.

Perhaps H does feel inadequate or some such regarding his portion of the joint income. It’s not the root cause for what’s currently going on. Merely another symptom, a distraction, a justification, something for H to point at so as to not look inward.

As breadwinner over the years, you would feel the financial brunt of a split. Get informed, gather info, and decide your best path forward. It may very well be to remain as you are, while being prepared to act if things suddenly take a sharp turn.

I still don't know what H is thinking nor where he stands and it is so hard to get through some day.

Yep. H doesn’t know what he is thinking, or wants. So how can you? Remember, he is driven by his ever changing emotions.

H is so fragile and afraid (avoidant) that I don't want to risk pushing him away if he is looking to actually talk and assess our situation.

Yes, H is broken. Is fragile. Is afraid. Is avoidant. Skirts responsibility, accountability, and so on.

The biggest pushing away you can do, is pressure.

Don’t fret. If/when H truly wants to talk about your situation, he will! And you will know!

I fear that my actions and words tell H that he doesn't stand a chance anymore so don't bother trying.

Let go that fear. (((Hugs)))

Act with sincerity. Act with love and compassion. Act with purpose.

When you walk in light, are sincere in your life, your intentions will shine through. H has a chance, and you are not a doormat.

Fear not. Sincerely standing, boundaries, focusing on you, GAL, etc., are very attractive. Do it for you. H may or may not figure his stuff out. H may or may not heal and grow. Regardless, you keep moving forward and allow H run to catch up, if he so chooses.


I do empathize MG. Grief, bargaining, withdrawal, lead to some pretty wild emotions and thoughts. Stay strong. Stick to the path. You got this.

D