Grief and Gratitude, Grok - Shifting

[grok]

Kinda quiet around here last few days.

S12 and I are at a “lock-in” campout at a local church tonight. It’s hot and he fell asleep for a nap though the sun isn’t down yet. He’s still recovering from the sick/fever that has gone through all three kids now. Just a cough left for him. D17’s fever left last Monday so she went back to gym on Wed and Thur. W pushed her to do so, “you are fine,” after I told D17 I would support her staying home another day or two if she needed. She still had a hacking cough and exhaustion. Thursday night D17, ”Daddy, I feel hot. I don’t feel good.” Yep. She measured 103F. No gym on Friday, today, for her. More rest. D19 seems to be just about back to normal.

W? She did come over at noon for an hour or two each day I was at work. She brought the kids sugar free sodas. And some strawberries. Goodnights at the curb seem to have diminished in time to like 5 minutes instead of 30 to 40. She texts the kids that she is there now, not me. D19 came to me one evening, ”Dad, I told mom she could come in tonight. She needed to use the bathroom. She’s not feeling good.” The dogs went a little nuts. She doesn’t take the little dogs with her anymore. The kids seemed to be irritated that she came in and caused disruption to the evening routine. Just observing behaviors.

That Date of Destruction

This morning I received a text from W: ”It is past the 30 days and I did not receive a notification of a court date. Could you let me know if there are any Mondays or Fridays you’ll be unavailable over the next month, and when I call to talk to the clerk, we will choose the best date and time possible for less impact on your work.”

Evidently she never noticed the emails the court sent or they are in her spam folder. The court set a date of 9/11 in their email to me. Apropos date of destruction. I haven’t replied yet. I was feeling too snarky. Resisting something like, ”Yes, the court picked an appropriate date for the “chaos and destruction” I told you this would cause.” Should I forward my own emails from the court? Tell her to check her spam folder? Suggest she contact the clerk and make sure her email is correct? What is detached non-emotion based….? The message brought up feelings mild anger, irritation, and nausea. I emotionally do better just living my life with running dark. Living my life without thinking about this.

Readings

Well, … the number of themes expressed in this forum all in one paragraph.

The Beauty of the In Between - Matthew Nelson

“I’m fearful that far too many people want the great ending without the backstory. We want the benefits without paying the price. Again, we want the rewards without embracing the process. If we can skip the period of discipline, difficult decisions, perseverance, and anonymity, then why wouldn’t we simply choose to walk into success? The backstory, however, shapes who we become. It’s a necessary part of the process. Difficult things produce the most lasting and fruitful results. In fact, unless we surrender the results to God and embrace the reality that we may not ever be “successful,” then we will remain trapped in the cage of our expectations Great stories do not come easily. Somewhere along the way, somebody made a series of extremely difficult decisions, sacrificed something great, and repeatedly chose to get back up after facing failure.”

- What price will you pay?

- Trust the process.

- You won’t give up who you become from this backstory.

- Do the work.

- {Re)Define successful.

- Let go of your expectations.

- Difficult…Sacrifice….CHOOSE to get back up after failures.


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