Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[MamaG]

I read thru this thread today as a result of yesterday's reach out from H. I don't love how we interacted nor the little that was exchanged. Yet, the little exchanged may have been a 180 that I didn't even prepare for.

H texted early in the morning yesterday to tell me that H needs to stop and get some things and provided a specific time that he'd come last night. I responded with what do you need, much like I asked when he sent a like text on 6/28. Yesterday, H responded and said some clothes and tools. And ended text with "Why?"

I informed him that we don't have duplicates of tools and that I've found myself replacing items that he's taken. Six hours later, I get a 'on my way' text.

I freaked out - wasn't home because I was leaving doctor's office for the poison ivy reaction.

M: NO, I'm not home. Today is not a good night.

H: I need some clothes and that's all I'll grab. Is that ok

I didn't respond to H and had my ride bring me home rather than getting prescription filled. We pulled in at the same time. H drove into driveway and parked in garage. As I walked up, H was grabbing an empty duffle bag from the back seat and looked back at me.

M: I told you tonight wasn't a good night. (I had an emotionless face and felt nothing but anxiety, but couldn't help but notice that H was all dressed up and yanked his bucket hat from his head in the driveway. That was odd as I don't know why the bucket hat couldn't be seen. I digress.)

H: What happened, H asked? (H was looking at my arms that had been fully wrapped by the doctor and definitely left the impression of something much more serious than poison ivy. H's face was that of concern and appeared to be fighting back tears.)

M: I'm ok. What do you need to grab?

H: What happened?

M: Nothing. I'm ok.

H maintained his concerned and surprised look. H held back emotions and calmly got in his vehicle and left. Normally, I'd challenge H to stay and not leave the discussion (dismissive avoidant/anxious avoidant relationship). Yesterday, I backed out of the garage, walked towards the backyard and physically turned my back to H until he was out of the driveway. I then walked into the house and locked up. While I was less welcoming than I've been in the past, I wish I hadn't given him my physical back as H pulled away. I wasn't crying nor thinking about crying but suspect H may wonder if I was.

If/when H comes by looking for his stuff, oh it’s out in the garage. Have it neatly packed and labelled to ensure timely pick up and less room for blaming and such.

If/when H comes by looking for his stuff, oh it’s out in the garage. Have it neatly packed and labelled to ensure timely pick up and less room for blaming and such.

I never told H that I've packed much of his stuff and have it in a spot for him to take. And, H never made it inside to see the pile. Other than behaving like children with repeated exchanges, we didn't say much in words. H rec'd an emotionless version of me and saw that I didn't reach out to him for medical support as I had in the past.

Do I reach out to H today? Do I say anything to H? Or do I wait for the next time H needs to come by and get stuff to let him see/know about his belongings being packed?

As for the poison ivy, I was prescribed an incorrect dosage of meds and as a result, I'm not seeing improvements. Doc felt that the blisters could be fully covered so that I was more comfortable and not having them burst everywhere. For this reason, both arms were fully wrapped in an Ace bandage from elbow to wrist. Imagine what H must think happened?

As for my behavior with H, I froze and we had a less than great interaction. I realize how we have both become distant from each other. No comfort to express ourselves. Altho, it's true that H wasn't ever great at sharing, I feel like I adopted his avoidance yesterday and wasn't proud. I wish I was more cheery and approachable than I was. I'm not sure I left him with any desire to come home yesterday.

Contrary to belief - boundaries don't feel good at first when you set them. You are going to feel worse before you feel better. You are gonna experience the storm before the calm. This is a truth I wish self help books would be honest about. You were taught to not set boundaries because there was punishment attached.

The ideal is “this problem is between Dad and I, and not about you two kids”. Unfortunately, crisis folks are so consumed and running that kids, especially adult kids, the relationship between them and their parent gets strained.

Because this is a problem between H and I, do I reach out to resolve? Basically ensure he'll fund his half? Or do I leave it alone? I don't think he'll fund it to D and if she shouldn't do the following up....what do I do or say?

So, the financial part. Do you, your kids, require financial security? From my vantage, yes. (I’m figuring H is the major breadwinner and neither of you are millionaires.) In mere weeks that joint account will be depleted. H is not keeping his “I promise to do” obligations. Again, lots do that. You require a court order and a court enforceable agreement in place.

I want financial security around the nest egg. I've been the bread winner all along. H provides in many other ways and I believe that H never felt that his contributions were equitable. We would openly talk about how each of us contributed and had no issues with it. Perhaps, H had an issue with having a lower income.

Take your statements with you to the lawyer, along with a list of questions you have. (Maybe a few starting ones: Can I move half of the funds from joint accounts to my own accounts? Am I liable for debts H incurs going forward if we don’t change martial status? Can I change the locks? Is H considered to have moved out and not living here? Tax implications as well. Not his primary address?) Write them down by the way. We forget those questions once we are seated across from the L and information starts pouring in.

Great questions! This was super helpful.

On the boundaries front, I've learned that they are for me. And, I've learned that setting them doesn't feel right nor good. I can attest to this.

I feel as though yesterday's activities were divine intervention - I couldn't have planned for the doc to wrap my arms and pull into the driveway at the very same time. Wish I knew God's plan and timing.

I can't help but believe that H wants to talk but doesn't feel comfortable telling me things nor knows what/how to express thoughts/emotions; wants to figure our R out but doesn't know where I stand and is afraid. I can't kick this feeling. Is it still recommended that I remain NC and wait for H to approach me?

As many have shared on this board, I fear that my actions and words tell H that he doesn't stand a chance anymore so don't bother trying. H is so fragile and afraid (avoidant) that I don't want to risk pushing him away if he is looking to actually talk and assess our situation. I still don't know what H is thinking nor where he stands and it is so hard to get through some day.